P.E.T.S.A.: People For the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals

Apparently,… P.E.T.S.A.: People For the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals

Apparently, police in Great Britain are so averse to animal cruelty that they can’t even stand the sight of a fake dog suffering. According to The Telegraph, two Nottinghamshire officers smashed a car window to rescue what they thought was a spaniel trapped in the heat, only to discover it was a stuffed toy. Hours later, the same officers arrested a 7-year-old boy for trying to remove the head from his sister’s Barbie doll.

Don’t Hate Me ’Cause I’m Beautiful

Daily Mail columnist Samantha Brick may have set the record for “Least Sympathetic Article Ever” this Monday when she complained that her attractiveness was more of a burden than an advantage. The 41-year-old woman — who most online commenters believed was less gorgeous than she claimed — longed for the day when “the wrinkles and the grey hair … will help me blend into the background.” That same day, Donald Trump penned an op-ed about how his luscious hair had seriously hindered his business career.

Dine n’ Dash

Most of our parents warn us not to text while driving, but few remember to add: “And don’t do it in a stolen truck, especially not while you’re eating.” That advice might have saved a Washington man considerable trouble, had he heard it before crashing his car while allegedly committing all three mistakes at once. Thankfully, he had a legitimate excuse for his misbehavior: His friend had texted him “Wat up?” and he had to respond, “Grubbing, getting my crash on.”

Hard Times in Italy

If there’s one thing that can spur people to action, it’s a Viagra shortage. Or at least, that’s the hope of certain Italian pharmacists, who’ve threatened to halt sales of the drug unless the government amends its plan to reform professions with high entry barriers. Although we wish them the best of luck, we’re disappointed that they didn’t think of this idea half a year ago: Without women to distract him, former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi might have been able to save his country from its current financial crisis.

Send My Ticket to the Batcave

Maryland police may have unwittingly facilitated the Joker’s escape last week when they pulled over a man dressed as Batman (apparently, his Batmobile license plate wasn’t legal). Thankfully, the dark knight escaped without a ticket, according to The Associated Press — and for that, officers should be grateful. The last time the law turned against the caped crusader, Harvey Dent became Two-Face and Rachel Dawes died in an explosion.