Pitt students were treated to an inevitable surprise this week: the announcement of the new face of “Pitt Tonight,” the campus variety show modeled after late-night talk shows. Current host and senior Jesse Irwin will give up his desk to first-year Andrew Dow starting next fall. You probably have questions concerning the new host, and so do we, the people who will eventually write for his show and the hard-hitting journalists who will cover him. Here are ten questions we have for the next host of “Pitt Tonight.”
This will tell us a lot about Andrew. Is he more of a spicy or sweet kind of guy? If he mentions nutmeg, cinnamon and clove, then we will most definitely be expecting impeccably well-seasoned treats on a daily basis.
This question will include a brief demonstration of his eating and dunking preferences. Also: no third party write-in answers allowed. We don’t care how much you like the pumpkin spice or the birthday cake flavors — we only care about the real deal.
Does this fierce outlook apply to the other sections of the show as well? As host, you will be asked to answer for your positions.
We know they don’t do background checks at “Pitt Tonight,” so we just want to have all the information before you get up there.
Follow-up question: If it does make a sound, is it similar to the sound that we make when we’re sneaking downstairs for snacks late at night?
We here at “Pitt Tonight” and The Pitt News are extremely worried about trickle-down embezzlement. Just because President Trump can do it doesn’t mean you can, Andrew.
Asking for a friend.
Feel free to come back to this question, it’s a tough one.
Some of us have resorted to moonlighting as ornate watch salespeople to put ourselves through college. It’s not the best gig, but it pays. Plus, if you start selling, you get a free trenchcoat. Well, it’s a uniform, but it’s still free and you get to keep it.
What was his name — Jeffrey Irweiner? Anyway, just don’t tease us along for the next three years.