A True Burger King

Everyone wants to meat a British man who legally changed his name to Bacon Double Cheeseburger on Monday. After getting sufficiently sauced, friends of the man formerly known as Simon Smith convinced him to sign paperwork to officially change his name. The entire process was grease lightning quick, taking only three weeks. While Cheeseburger said his father finds the switch hilarious, both his mother and fiancee aren’t loving it. “No girl ever dreams of spending her big day marrying a man called Bacon,” he told the Evening Standard. Surely someone out there would relish the opportunity to live with such a ham.

Stole Train

Authorities in California arrested a 45-year-old homeless woman Monday for attempting to steal a train. Shawna Marone ended up at a different kind of station than she planned after residents called police about a train whistle blowing for more than 10 minutes straight during the middle of the night. When confronted, Marone told police that she was hoping to take the train for “a joy ride” but couldn’t get the locomotive to move. She thought she could, she thought she could — but she couldn’t. And with that, the Not-So-Great Train Robbery was foiled.

Furry Situation

After receiving a call about an injured otter on the side of a road, British police officers sprang to the rescue last Thursday. Fortunately for concerned Benedict Cumberbatch fans, all they found on the scene was the faux fur collar of a winter coat. Officers named it “Ollie the Faux Otter” and began tweeting pictures of it positioned around the police station. It wasn’t long until Ollie stole the spotlight — and our hearts.

Thanks-a-pots

If you’re looking for some coconut delightups, we might have just the person for you. A girl scout’s business move was anything but half-baked on Saturday, when she set up a stand to sell cookies outside of a Portland marijuana dispensary. The girl’s aunt tagged along and suggested the location, correctly predicting that they would earn some high profits. To sweeten the deal, anyone who brought in a box of Girl Scout Cookies would get a discount on the dispensary’s strain of “Girl Scout Cookies” pot. Who says brownies are a stoner’s best friend?

GOAT Offense

When an Australian rescue helicopter responded to a car crash, it revealed that just about everything down under is dangerous. The helicopter spooked a nearby group of goats, one of which felt behooved to retaliate. The goat rammed its head into the small window positioned beneath the pilot’s foot, cracking the glass and grounding the helicopter for three hours. While its methods are questionable, the goat deserves praise for having the courage to fight baaaaaack.