GOP is too good for celebrities

By: Josh Green / Columnist

Posted on 08. Sep, 2008 in Uncategorized

' ' ' Man, I can't stand Barack Obama. He's such a celebrity. How could I vote for someone so pompous? How can I relate to someone who is such an elitist? Obama is different from me. I'm not a cultural elite, and I ain't known for no good grammar. I only go to the movies to get angry about how snooty all the actors must be in real life. Frankly, anyone who George Clooney will vote for is no good in my book. ' ' ' Now, John McCain and the Republicans get it. They understand that America is fed up with celebrities. John McCain is in touch with normal Americans. ' ' ' That's why he and the other Republicans constantly slam Obama for his popularity with young voters, or his huge European tours and his elitist comments about rural Pennsylvanians. ' ' ' There is a reason you never see a celebrity Republican run for public office. The party simply wouldn't stand for it. Think about it: Aside from Shirley Temple Black, Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fred Thompson, Ben Stein and Sonny Bono, name one Republican celebrity who was elected into office or worked in a Republican administration. ' ' ' Other than Ronald Reagan. Anyone who acts in a film about teaching human morals to a chimpanzee should automatically become the president. Why, Reagan practically paved the way for great films like 'Dunston Checks In,' 'MVP: Most Valuable Primate' and 'Monkey Trouble.' ' ' ' But the bottom line is that we should not vote for a man who managed to get 200,000 Europeans waving American flags. I want a president who takes pride in other countries hating us. ' ' ' At the Republican National Convention last week, the GOP went on the attack against Barack Obama, and rightfully so. They brilliantly tagged him as a 'celebrity senator.' Rudy Giuliani was especially effective at painting Obama as a latte-sipping New York liberal. ' ' ' In reference to Sarah Palin, Giuliani said, 'I'm sorry that Barack Obama feels that her hometown isn't cosmopolitan enough.' And I didn't even know that Obama said that until Giuliani's speech! ' ' ' Giuliani, the former mayor of an extremely small city called New York, knows that the last thing the people of the United States want is a president who is 'popular' and 'generally well-liked.' ' ' ' Giuliani wasn't the only brilliant speaker though. Sarah Palin's speech had almost as many viewers as Barack Obama's. It practically launched her into super-stardom! She's famous now! I even saw her signing autographs after McCain's speech last night. ' ' ' None of this would be possible if she didn't understand the negatives of being a celebrity. ' ' ' But all that really matters is the Big Mac, John McCain. Had it not been for his advertisement comparing Obama to the likes of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, I would never have known that Obama once stepped out of a limousine without underwear. ' ' ' McCain's effective contrast advertisement paid off in the end. While Obama's DNC speech received 38.4 million viewers, McCain's speech received 38.9 million. He beat Obama by 500,000 viewers. It surely had nothing to do with an NFL lead-in on NBC. ' ' ' I doubt it had anything to do with the public interest surrounding super-mom Sarah Palin and the possibility of her gutting a caribou on stage. ' ' ' This has everything to do with McCain's accurate charges against Barack Obama and a nation that is fed up with the damage that Obama and his celebrity Senate have done to our country over the last eight years. A needless war in Iraq. Inadequate response to a natural disaster. Cronyism. Rising unemployment. Tax cuts for Big Oil. It's about time someone called out the Democrats for their misdeeds. ' ' ' In the end, Barack 'Hollywood' Obama's personality is the reason that McCain will win in November. The next thing you know, Obama will appear in a Hollywood film starring Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn. ' ' ' Oh ... McCain already did that? Really? He was in 'Wedding Crashers?' Interesting ... ' ' ' So, like I've been saying all along, Americans want a popular president. They can't get enough of celebrities. They want a man whose vice presidential pick is catapulted to stardom overnight. ' ' ' But most importantly, they want a man who has appeared on-screen with Christopher Walken. ' ' ' Who is the real celebrity? ' ' ' McCain. ' ' ' The bottom line is clear: Americans love voting for celebrities. ' ' ' As long as they're Republicans. Which actors would play McCain and Obama in a movie? E-mail Josh at jmg77@pitt.edu with an answer.