Casual Fridays 8/30/2013

By Editorial Staff

Sharp shooter

A New Hampshire man called police after he apparently shot himself in the knee while sleeping. The man, whose name has not been released, suffers from a condition called parasomnia, which causes him to perform unnatural behaviors in his sleep. We can’t help but wonder if the man was dreaming he was Plaxico Burress when the shot was fired.

The hero France deserves 

More cities than Gotham require the protection of the Caped Crusader. Residents in the city of Marseille, France have launched a petition begging Batman to save their city from crime. The petition comes after the killing of a retiree who was trying to stop a robbery. The public’s logic is that politicians are not doing enough to keep the city safe, and they believe the Dark Knight could do better. There was no word on whether or not Ben Affleck plans to answer their plea.


Now mom can stay hip with the lingo

It’s true: The Oxford English Dictionary has added the words “twerk” and “selfie” to its once-illustrious listing of the complete English vocabulary. The dictionary adds about 1,000 new words to its online edition yearly, and these two entries were added after enough proof of their common usage was amassed. In other news, we will no longer be publishing The Pitt News in English out of embarrassment for what the language has become.

Steaming and cleaning

Cooking with your dishwasher is the newest kitchen fad. By sealing food in a vacuum-packed bag or airtight container, it is possible to steam it while washing your dishes. A few cooks have written books or uploaded videos to the Internet explaining and demonstrating the process. Popular choices for dishwasher cooking include fish, couscous, lasagna and apple pie. For college students, this information is a welcome step up from making ramen in a coffee pot.    

Sheriff of Pot-tingham

A man from Washington state stands accused of attempting to smuggle marijuana into a jail by attaching it to an arrow. A prison employee stated that he saw David Wayne Jordan attempt to shoot the arrow into the jail’s second-floor recreation area. Jordan missed his mark and instead shot the arrow onto the roof. There was no report of whether Jordan was wearing green tights at the time or not.

Not a cat-astrophe

For the second year in a row, the Internet Cat Video Festival is underway at the Minnesota State Fair. Along with Golden Kitty statuettes awarded to videos in different cat-egories, the Sundance Festival for felines features appearances by “celebricats” like Lil Bub and Grumpy Cat. Hopefully the winner of the “people’s choice” award avoids a speech-jacking by Kanye Whiskers: “Yo, Mittens, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let mew finish …”