Surprisingly good vibrations
Authorities in Halberstadt, Germany, uncovered an especially illicit ring at a casino Wednesday. After receiving reports of a trash can making a humming noise and shaking, police and firefighters evacuated the casino and searched the building for potential bombs. Fortunately, all they found between the craps and poker tables was a vibrating penis ring. The story has received a lot of buzz, despite the lack of explosion. Officials say that how the penis ring truly got there in the first place remains unclear, but The Pitt News investigative team is willing to offer a fairly solid guess.
Uber fast, bro
A Philadelphia Uber driver suddenly went from fast asleep to extremely furious late Tuesday night. Corey Robinson picked up Juan R. Carlos, who asked to be driven nearly 300 miles north, to Herkimer, New York. When Robinson became tired, he asked his passenger to take over the wheel while he napped. Police spotted the vehicle driving at 86 mph near the New York border, but when they attempted to stop it, Carlos refused to lyft the pedal. After waking up, Robinson asked Carlos why they were going so fast. Carlos replied that they were being chased by the police, leading to an argument that ended when the car crashed into a guardrail. This is likely the highest profile surge end in company history.
Unfortunate Name Derails Institution’s Educational Strategy
Last week, George Mason University announced that it was changing the name of its law school to honor late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. The school was slated to officially be named Antonin Scalia School of Law. Shortly after the announcement, Twitter did what it does best: find something to mock. Social media users began pointing out that the name shortened to ASSoL, a joke that The Pitt News is not able to explain for decency reasons. In response, the University has quietly tweaked the official name to The Antonin Scalia School of Law. There is still no word from experts on which name better encapsulates the Justice’s legacy.
What crappy displays
More than culture is in the air at Britain’s newest museum. Instead of works by Jackson Poolack or Pooblo Picasso, The National Poo Museum features 20 different kinds of feces from species that include elk, lion and human babies. Other exhibits feature varieties of toilets, and visitors can pop a squat for some poop-related educational sessions. According to visitors, the gift shop chocolate bars are simply poo good poo be true. Museum representatives are optimistic about the museum’s success but should probably expect a small dropping in attendance once summer arrives.
Greasy tune
For the last 30 years, Waffle House has had a plan to drum up business: releasing music under its own record label. Waffle Records has released countless classic songs, such as 1996’s “There Are Raisins In My Toast” by Danny Jones and “They’re Cooking Up My Order” by Alfreda Gerald in 2006. It recently added another: “Color Me Gone” by Kaitlyn Bergeron. Leaked tracklists for Waffle House’s mixtape obtained by The Pitt News revealed upcoming singles “What’syrup In Here?” and “Let Eggo” performed by some well-known faces. In related news, Canadian rock masters Nickelback are rumored to be a front for Outback Steakhouse. The Pitt News will continue its coverage when more information becomes available.