The scene: two bodies intertwined, arching in bliss to the tune of gasped moans and satisfied sighs, pleasure building higher and higher and higher.
But then, nothing.
It’s not exactly the ideal romantic ending, but it’s probably one you’ve experienced before. Whether you or your partner couldn’t seem to reach the Big “O,” I’m sure the anti-climactic finale was a let down for someone.
But doctors and sex therapists alike are dispelling the disappointing and often harmful expectations surrounding orgasms. In fact, they’re saying that the expectation to reach orgasm has created a social phenomenon, coined the “orgasmic imperative,” in which sex that does not culminate in an orgasm is viewed as either unsuccessful or not real sex at all.
It’s not hard to map how we got to this imperative — current sex education is almost entirely clinical, addressing only the biological workings and ramifications of sex. As a result, many young people turn to the media or pornography to learn the nuances of sex. There, they are saturated with either scenes of ear-piercing orgasms or just the opposite — awkward, unfulfilling sex because someone couldn’t seem to climax.
As a result, they equate reaching orgasm with good sex, while sex without orgasm is a failed attempt and nothing more.
While it may seem counterintuitive to say orgasms are inessential, seeing sex as a means to an end can actually endanger self-esteem, a healthy sex life and key communication in a relationship. People can fail to reach orgasm for many different reasons — most of them completely unrelated to the act of sex itself. A sexual experience can be satisfying and healthy with or without an orgasm.
According to a 2013 article from Sex and Psychology — a science-based blog run by educator and sex researcher Justin Lehmiller — many people view sex without orgasm as “dysfunctional,” which can create a sense of anxiety surrounding sex. This negative attitude can go both ways — if it’s your partner who can’t reach orgasm, you may feel insecure and inadequate, wondering if you did something wrong. If you’re the one struggling to climax, you may feel embarrassed or defective.
If your partner is struggling to orgasm, know it might not be your fault. Alcohol and recreational drugs, medication, depression, anxiety, hormonal imbalances and stress can all affect a person’s ability to orgasm, regardless of how much they’re enjoying what’s going on.
Instead of blaming yourself, try taking these aspects into consideration. Furthermore, talk openly with your partner about your concerns so misunderstandings don’t have the chance to cause more problems. Bottling up insecurities instead of addressing them can lead to deep-seated problems of low self-esteem and impaired communication. Turning your worries into an honest conversation can stop problems before they occur, and chances are, you’ll learn that you were feeling insecure about something completely out of your control.
Likewise, if an orgasm seems to constantly elude you, evaluate possible causes. I know the inability to orgasm can lead to serious anxiety, but the subsequent anxiety and negativity toward sex creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you stress about reaching orgasm, the harder it becomes.
This vicious cycle is why so many forms of sex therapy focus on restructuring a person’s attitude toward sex and the importance of orgasms to help a person relax and replace feelings of anxiety with feelings of pleasure.
Unfortunately, many people turn to the only way they know how to “fix” their problems — faking it.
A 2010 study published in the Journal of Sex Research showed that out of 180 males and 101 females, 28 percent of men and 67 percent of women reported faking an orgasm at least once. Though some of the reasons for faking it seemed noble — for example, when an orgasm seemed unlikely, and they didn’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings — any sort of manipulation or deceit can damage a relationship.
While you may think you’re doing your partner a favor, the self-esteem boost is short-lived and can contribute to an unsatisfactory sex life on your end. Fake orgasms don’t address the problem, they just reinforce the fantasy that everything is fine. If your inability to orgasm occurs every now and again, accept the fact that not every time is going to be perfect, instead of faking it. But if the lack of orgasm becomes the norm, instead of the exception, that’s where it becomes a problem.
This is when you should analyze why you aren’t orgasming, and be completely up-front with your partner. If the inability is unrelated to the sex itself, examine your options, such as seeing a doctor or a therapist, and seek help if you feel you need it. And if it’s simply because your wants and needs aren’t being met, speak up.
Admittedly, that’s easier said than done.
People with vaginas in particular find it difficult to express their preferences due to social stigma and the expectation to remain sexually passive. A 2012 study conducted by the American Sociological Association showed that on average, people with vaginas who engage in sex with penis-having partners orgasm 11 percent of the time during a hook-up and 67 percent of the time while in a relationship. Most people with vaginas felt the need to please their partner outweighed the importance of their own pleasure. That shouldn’t be the case.
Both partners in a sexual encounter should understand that giving and receiving are of equal value, and you shouldn’t compromise your own pleasure for the sake of your partner’s.
Though it may be awkward at first to admit you’re not orgasming when you want to, working through the problems will lead to long-term enjoyment and a stronger relationship.
But again, that’s where the orgasmic imperative comes into play — if it’s a pattern, that’s one thing. If it’s just the occasional absence, then take it as it is. There may be no reason for the lack of orgasm, and it’s just “one of those times.” And that’s okay. That’s completely normal. You shouldn’t expect that sex will automatically culminate in orgasm every time, and it shouldn’t be a big deal if it occasionally doesn’t.
As much as orgasms are the ultimate source of human pleasure, sex doesn’t have to revolve around them. Learn to appreciate the aspects of sex so often overlooked — the expression of individual sexuality, the exploration of intimacy, the sexual enjoyment separate from orgasm. If the rest of the experience was satisfying, don’t let one minor detail ruin the moment for you.
Sex is so much more than just “finishing” — it’s a full course meal in all its wonders.
Bridget is the sex columnist for The Pitt News.
Write to her at [email protected]