Pick up or delivery?

According to Yahoo News, a 6-year-old boy from Lapeer, Mich., stole his father’s car on April 13. The report states that the boy’s father was asleep when the boy took the car keys from the kitchen counter and took the car because he wanted Chinese food. Drivers who witnessed his drive to the store called the police because the car was driving erratically. Before police could respond, other drivers had boxed in the car, and one individual reached inside the boy’s car to turn off the ignition and take the keys. When the police returned the boy home, his father hadn’t even known he was gone. There is no word on whether or not the boy received his Chinese order. Apparently, after winning the pinewood derby, the boy decided to start training for NASCAR a few years early.

They’re flagged

In Brookville, Pa., two unhappy bar patrons expressed their feelings by throwing a dead groundhog and dead grouse into a pub, according to the Huffington Post. The two men suspected of the animal assault were both turned away by the bar — one for being underage, the other for a drinking problem. According to local police, the use of animals in this manner is common, stating that some men place dead squirrels on their girlfriends’ doorknobs after an argument to make their point. Next in the news will be an article about Pitt students who threw a dead chupacabra into Mi Ranch after being turned away at the door.

Foul fowl

The Mirror reports that a wild pheasant is holding a family hostage in Shropshire, England. For the past four months, the pheasant has attacked Sally-Ann Hudson and her elderly parents, pecking at them as they leave the house. Hudson has resorted to wearing long sleeves and gloves every time she leaves the house, using a badminton racket in an attempt to ward off the unruly bird. “Phil,” as they have nicknamed the bird, also headbutts the house’s windows and mirrors the movements of the Hudsons through the windows. Perhaps we should begin providing the Cathedral Lawn’s squirrel population with rackets of their own to protect them from the peregrine falcons.

Devastatingly handsome

Several men attending a cultural festival in Saudi Arabia were ordered to leave the event and were subsequently deported from the country because they were too handsome, according to British newspaper Metro. It was feared that the men’s good looks would corrupt the young women attending the festival, causing them to fall for the men. The dreamy delegates deny that their good looks were to blame for their deportation. Currently, the women of Pitt are petitioning to have the delegates brought here in order to deepen the dating pool.