“Handalism”

Road rage made a different gesture in Houston as residents walked the streets this week. To their surprise, the red “Don’t Walk” sign at the crosswalk flipped them the bird, rather than the angry driver who usually almost runs them over. The vandal has yet to be found, but word has it they were sponsored by that no good “MTV” and trashy “rap” music. Children are crying, grandmothers are appalled, but at least the crossing guard had a good laugh. If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s better than the “Wait to cross Fifth at University” lady who makes us cringe every time.

Alligator and the bees talk

On Tuesday, a four-foot alligator roamed a woman’s backyard in the Penn Hills with a few friends. Right when firefighters tried luring him into a metal garbage can, a large bees nest interfered in swift defense. It took several bee stings and a Pittsburgh Zoo animal handler to catch the menace. According to the reptile, he did it in the name of Harambe, slithering the words, “Free Harambe!” The real question is: Should they have shot the bees to get the alligator, or should they have shot the alligator to get the bees?

Manvasion

A man named Vladimir Putin was arrested in a Florida grocery store after screaming at employees and refusing to leave. Even with no relation to the Russian president, the man still succeeded his own invasion of the shop. Police had a hard time getting him off his horse shirtless, but they managed to put him behind bars. Luckily, his next door neighbor Donald Trump bailed him out and his friend Julian Assange gave him a ride home.

Gravy Wrestling Championship

The World Gravy Championship took place in England earlier this week with 20 competitors wrestling each other in a pool of gravy. The fundraiser sought to determine the top gravy wrestler, meanwhile the loser gets served for dinner next Thanksgiving. After months of gravy training, competitors were seen stuffing and mashing each other to the ground in the heated competition. Gravy Gaga and Slim Gravy also made musical appearances at the event.

Turtle Studies

An independent study by the Institute of Scholarly Turtles finds that turtles have more problem-solving skills than we originally thought. A Canadian pet owner stuck his tortoise on a wooden beam to see if he could manage his way out, but the turtle, while originally stuck, didn’t give up. The turtle may not know how to balance equations, but he sure knew how to balance on that beam — Simone Biles better watch out. Though seemingly shell-shocked by the study, further research will have to determine if the turtle can duplicate his feat.