RIP Brangelina

Hollywood’s biggest heartthrob is back on the market — and so is Brad Pitt. On Tuesday, after two years of marriage, Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from husband Pitt, meaning our favorite power couple has officially shattered any hope we had left for the existence of true love. Fingers crossed that Beyonce and Jay Z pull through. As difficult as it may be to battle for custody with a former spouse, being the child of Brad and Angelina doesn’t sound so bad — unlimited Hot Wheels, anyone? On the plus side, the Mr. and Mrs. Smith sequel is going to be killer.

Go, Diego, Go!
Not all heroes wear capes — some wear shells. Diego, a Galapagos giant tortoise, single-handedly saved his species on his native island Espanola, the southernmost in the Galapagos Archipelago. About 50 years ago, Diego was only one of the two male tortoises of his species left alive. Thanks to the help of the remaining 12 female tortoises and a breeding center, he repopulated the species, breeding an estimated 800 offspring. Even though Diego’s over 100 years old, he didn’t need any performance enhancement for this challenge. Take that Hugh Hefner. As the old saying goes, “slow and steady wins the race.” Not even Darwin could have predicted this kind of evolution.  

Facebook Warning
James Lee Hankins or “D-Brown” of Scranton, Pennsylvania, was suspected of selling heroin and crack cocaine when undercover investigators sought to make a purchase through him. The 25-year-old fled the scene when the cops showed up and dropped his phone along the way. After hiding out in a woman’s basement, the police found him shirtless on the couch and posting a Facebook status urging friends not to contact him. “Phone got stolen so ima b off fb 4 a hot minute dont call my phone til i say other wise [expletive] got hot,” the post read. For the time being, you can hit D-Brown up on LinkedIn. Surprisingly, the woman whose basement he invaded was more mad about being logged out of her account than she was about inadvertently hiding a man on the run. His mom didn’t see his Facebook status, as it turns out: He had 14 pokes from her waiting upon his release.

Emoji Device
MIT has developed a new device that warns you when you’re “catching the feels.” The wireless monitor detects emotions by measuring a person’s heartbeat which means that basically, the most intelligent young scientists in our country developed a fancy stethoscope. They tried testing the invention, which will be used to diagnose mental health issues such as depression or anxiety, at MIT but could not find a control group that wasn’t overly stressed from school work. The good news is that in case you don’t know how you’re feeling, you can always count on a robot to tell you. MIT’s next project? A tongue depressor that can pick up vibes from your tastebuds.  

Meating of the minds
What happens when a Nathan’s hot dog and a Big Mac reproduce? Voila! A Hamdog is made. In case you weren’t already suspicious about what kind of meat is in your hot dog, an Australian man named Mark Murray combined a hot dog and a hamburger in an effort to make tailgating a bit easier for sports fans. Although his masterpiece was rejected by Australia’s “Sharktank,” that hasn’t stopped his efforts to bring it to the states. The Cronut seems eager to have a like-minded friend for once, so hopefully the two can pair up to Make America Diabetic Again. Plankton is doing his best to get ahold of the formula, but we’re not sure that’s a meat mystery that can be solved.