We want everyone to be prepared to go out and vote this Nov. 8. No matter what, Nov. 9 is sure to go down in history. But don’t panic just yet, we’ve got your pre-voting plans covered.
1.Double-check your registration.
The election is clearly rigged. You never know, your voter registration could really just be a business card for the startup that kid in your business calculus class is running or a punch card for 10 frozen yogurt visits.
- Make a voting plan.
Bring a buddy and go early. For tips on finding someone appropriate to link up with, check out that Steve Carell movie “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World.”
- Stock up on canned goods at the grocery store.
Depending on the outcome, you may need a lifetime supply of soup. Check and see if the storm cellar your parents said you weren’t allowed in is still in decent condition. Just in case.
- Plan where you’re going to put your “I Voted” sticker.
Make sure to put it in a good place for selfies. We suggest either right below your shirt collar, or, if you can snag two, over your eyes. That way you won’t see all the hellfire rising from the depths of the Earth.
- Check in on your local elections.
McGinty versus Toomey is a tough call. To flip the Senate majority or not to flip it?
- Invest in torches and pitchforks.
That market is sure to see a rise — why not make some money off of it? That’s capitalism, baby!
- See what propositions are on your ballot.
Should judges serve until the age of 75? Read carefully and don’t be fooled by tricky wording. The elders are counting on that short millennial attention span to make you so frustrated that you just check “yes.”
- Call your family and tell them you love them.
This is just a nice thing to do. We both know you don’t talk to them enough.
- Check your polling place.
Seriously, if you registered with your home address, you should figure out a ride now. If you registered in Pittsburgh: No matter what anyone says, there’s no polling location at Hem’s, and a vote for either candidate will not win you a free shot pitcher.
- Buy all the booze — as long as you’re over 21 — and pray.
If your preferred candidate wins, drink in celebration. If your candidate loses, drink in sorrow. Either way, we hope you don’t have morning classes Wednesday.