Editor’s Note: This story is satirical.

Market To-Go? How about “Market To-Go-and-come-to-you-while-you-rot-away-in-a-twin-XL-bed?”

For students living in on-campus housing, Panther Central will now be on call to deliver room service seven days a week, spokesman John Fedele said in a press release Friday.

Along with the other services it offers to students, Panther Central will now deliver meals and snacks from Market Central and The Perch to students who, for whatever reason, are unable to make it to Pitt’s two largest dining facilities. The service will begin April 31.  

However, some students, such as Barry Willis, are not thrilled about the new branch of campus food. 

“What’s the point of this?” Willis, a junior who lives in Ruskin Hall, said. “The whole reason I moved to Ruskin is so I’d have my own kitchen and wouldn’t have to eat dining hall food anymore.”

To use the new service, students must have an active meal plan, according to the release. Panther Central will only deliver food offered at Market Central or The Perch.

“Ew, is it only Market food? Market pizza near my bed?” complained another student, who asked to remain anonymous. 

According to the release, the delivery option is meant to encourage students to eat healthy, even if they don’t have time to journey to one of the dining facilities for a full meal.  

“But it’s like, do I want to get diarrhea there, or do I want to get diarrhea at home?” Marion Garner, who lives in Bouquet Gardens, said. “Frankly, I choose neither, so catch me at Chipotle all day, every day. No, seriously, I’ll be waiting in line all day. That place is mobbed.”

Some parents, too, have mixed feelings about the new service.

“I mean, I’m still not totally stoked about shelling out $25,000 a year for tuition, but at least I know my money is being spent well on room service for my son, Kevin,” James Corbin, Kevin’s father, said.

One student’s mother, Rachel Applebee, said she was initially happy that her son, Scott, would learn valuable lessons about taking care of himself at college. 

“He used to try to get me to bring him and his friends food when they were high, and I would always tell him, ‘No, you won’t have room service like this once you get to college,’” she said. “Now it looks like I was wrong.”

University spokesman John Fedele, however, said he was “ecstatic” about the new service. 

“I’ve been waiting for this for years! I’d order Chick-fil-A right now if the Cathedral wasn’t demolished,” Fedele said in an email.