The Pitt News

Top 10: Trump executive orders and how they’ll affect Pittsburgh

US+President+Donald+Trump%2C+with+White+House+chief+of+staff+Reince+Pribus%2C+from+left%2C+counselor+to+the+President+Kellyanne+Conway%2C+White+House+Communications+Director+Hope+Hicks%2C+Senior+Advisor+Jared+Kushner+and+Senior+Counselor+Stephen+Bannon%2C+signs+one+of+five+executive+orders+related+to+the+oil+pipeline+industry+in+the+oval+office+of+the+White+House+Tuesday%2C+Jan.+24%2C+2017+in+Washington%2C+D.C.+President+Trump+has+a+full+day+of+meetings+including+one+with+Senate+Majority+Leader+Mitch+McConnell+and+another+with+the+full+Senate+leadership.+%28Pool%2FAbaca+Press%2FTNS%29
US President Donald Trump, with White House chief of staff Reince Pribus, from left, counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway, White House Communications Director Hope Hicks, Senior Advisor Jared Kushner and Senior Counselor Stephen Bannon, signs one of five executive orders related to the oil pipeline industry in the oval office of the White House Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2017 in Washington, D.C. President Trump has a full day of meetings including one with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and another with the full Senate leadership. (Pool/Abaca Press/TNS)

US President Donald Trump, with White House chief of staff Reince Pribus, from left, counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway, White House Communications Director Hope Hicks, Senior Advisor Jared Kushner and Senior Counselor Stephen Bannon, signs one of five executive orders related to the oil pipeline industry in the oval office of the White House Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2017 in Washington, D.C. President Trump has a full day of meetings including one with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and another with the full Senate leadership. (Pool/Abaca Press/TNS)

TNS

TNS

US President Donald Trump, with White House chief of staff Reince Pribus, from left, counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway, White House Communications Director Hope Hicks, Senior Advisor Jared Kushner and Senior Counselor Stephen Bannon, signs one of five executive orders related to the oil pipeline industry in the oval office of the White House Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2017 in Washington, D.C. President Trump has a full day of meetings including one with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and another with the full Senate leadership. (Pool/Abaca Press/TNS)

By The Pitt News Editorial Board and Pitt Tonight

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






  1. Building the wall along the Mexican border will lead to reopening the steel mills

What’s that you say? There’s no steel to mill? Well, we’ll worry about that later. We’ll probably steel it back from China or something.

  1. Every city in America will now start with the letter “T”

The only cities that will sound kind of funny are “Tincinnati” and “Tan Tantonio.” Cities such as Tampa and Tallahassee will save so much money during The Renaming. We’re guessing Pittsburgh will soon be the President’s favorite town.

  1. Saturday Night Live is permanently cancelled and replaced with “The Apprentice, on Ice”

Trump had previously considered moving filming for the current season of “The Celebrity Apprentice” to the White House, but reconsidered after a significant amount of people yelled Twitter. The Reflecting Pool should make a nice skating rink by mid-June, Trump said, according to some anonymous White House staffers.

  1. He’s changing the Steelers’ colors

This one is just in case the first plan doesn’t work — it’s a classic negotiating tactic. He wrote about it in his bestselling book “I Make, Like, The Best Deals.” After all, orange is the new black.

  1. It is now illegal for thin people to drink Diet Coke

The President once tweeted that he’s never seen a thin person drink Diet Coke. And if recent history has shown us anything, Trump can make completely statistically inaccurate statements, even in the past, and they will retroactively be made true. Alternative fun fact: Pittsburgh is the number one consumer of Diet Coke in the universe.

  1. Every skyscraper will now bear the name “TRUMP” on its side

He’s the owner of America now, which means he owns all of the skyscrapers. It’s basic math. According to some previously confidential dossiers obtained by The Pitt News, even the Gulf Tower is now going to permanently shower Downtown in golden light. And yes, sadly, this rule includes the Cathedral of Learning.

  1. All school uniforms to be provided by Melania Trump’s fashion line

We’ve seen the concept drawings, and they look suspiciously familiar to Michelle Obama’s wardrobe. It’s probably just a coincidence — it’s not like this has happened before, right?

  1. Mandatory Taco Bowl Tuesdays

This could be a big one. You can’t even comprehend. The city might careen into a taco shortage, which could lead to very high taco demand but low taco supply — not to brag, but we’ve taken an economics class before. This may later lead to riots and lack of faith in local government, which could quickly turn the ‘Burgh into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Or not.

  1. Lies are now illegal…

…unless they describe Trump as a strong, Adonis-like man-god with big hands and real, 100 percent, absolutely made in America golden locks. Go figure.

  1. And so is using Trump’s name in vain.

Violators will have hell toupee.

Leave a comment.

Sponsored
×
The University of Pittsburgh's Daily Student Newspaper
Top 10: Trump executive orders and how they’ll affect Pittsburgh