The Student Government Board candidates pitched their plans at the debate in Nordy’s Place last night, in preparation for the election on Tuesday. There were some pretty interesting ideas floating around, but none of the slates had platforms quite wide-ranging enough for us. Here’s a list of possible additions that would really swing student voters.
- Sports drinks in the water fountains
It’s the classic fantasy that we’ve been waiting for since middle school. We have the power(ade) to make it a reality. Plus, when was the last time anyone got a giardia infection from a long swig of Gatorade Mango Extreme™?
- Jacuzzis in Hillman
Everyone knows Hillman Library is the single most stressful place on campus. Why not take advantage of the ongoing renovations and put some relaxing hot tubs between the stacks?
- Therapy Panthers
Therapy dogs are fine enough, but they don’t quite convey school spirit the way a panther would. It’s hard to think of someone as a weak liberal snowflake when they are calmly petting a purring jungle cat.
- Longer recess
This one’s been in the works since the third grade, but we’re confident we can finally get those extra ten minutes this year. Nap time would be an obvious follow up proposal.
- Underground tunnel network
So we’ve heard that there might be an underground tunnel of sorts already at Pitt, but we’re thinking bigger with this one. We want to be able to go from the Union to the middle of the basketball court in the Pete without ever feeling the frigid air above ground. We’re not really blueprint people — we’re more like the idea guys. Just take the phrase “underground tunnel network” and run with it.
- Build a big, beautiful wall along Craig Street to keep other universities out
This project might seem a little ambitious for the student government board to undertake, especially with recent state budget problems. But believe me, CMU’s going to pay for it, it’ll be incredible.
- Fraternities/sororities for people who don’t want to be social, professional or do community service
Love the way you look in a sweater embroidered with Greek letters but don’t want to make the commitment to leave your dorm room? Same.
- Nord-exit
The Nordenberg kids are already so full of themselves, why not let them go off on their own? Plus, the way those dorm rooms are equipped, they’re pretty much self-sufficient.
- Soundproof campus panic room
Listen, we know there’s a Stress Free Zone, but we think we also need a Stressful Zone. Especially this year. We’re just asking for a room where we can scream as loud and as long as we want. We’ve been doing it in Schenley Park at night, but people keep calling the cops.
- Free laundry
We are running out of quarters and Panther Funds. Also, it would really help with the fact that our clothes will be pretty musty from the underground tunnel hangout.