Top 10: Ways to dismantle the patriarchy

Matt Hawley | Staff Photographer

Student Government Board’s Women’s Empowerment Week was certainly a hit. Leslie Jones came to campus, followed by a very special women’s empowerment-themed episode of Pitt Tonight and, coincidentally, the hiring of the first female athletic director in Pitt history. We’ve been particularly inspired by these events, so we decided to dedicate our weekly top 10 to women’s empowerment as well. Here are the top 10 most effective ways to dismantle the patriarchy:

  1. Ask people to explain their sexist jokes

“I don’t get it, can you help me understand, Todd?” What’re they supposed to say? “Well you see, Alice, it’s funny because it subtly reinstills generations of institutionalized sexism.”

  1. Start ending all your prayers with ‘a-women.’

Amen? Whatever it actually means, it’s sexist, probably. And we’re not dealing with it anymore. Plus you’ll say it, people will be confused and then it’s an excuse to explain your entire feminist agenda to them. For a completely gender-neutral option, try ‘a-person.’ Take that, Uncle Fred — that’s the last time you ask us to say grace.

  1. Don’t get married for land.

Ugh, that’s so 10th century.

  1. Appointing a female pope would probably help.

The Pope is one of the oldest patriarchal figures in history, so a gender change here would certainly be a big step. Of course, first the Roman Catholic Church would have to allow women to be priests, and that’s already a whole thing. Then we would have to sit through the first female Pope’s mostly gridlocked reign, likely due to some dramatic but ultimately innocuous email scandal. We would just like to eventually be able to say, in the paraphrased words of Jay Z, “ladies is popes too.”

  1. Only pay 79 percent of the retail price at your favorite stores.

This one is only applicable for the ladies, so sorry fellas. Since the gender wage gap in Pennsylvania means women make only 79 cents to a man’s dollar — and women of color make even less — then logically, paying less makes sense too. The cashier will probably be taken aback. But just stick with it and show them the facts. Honestly, the more confused they are, the better your chances of actually getting away with it.

  1. Remind men where they came from in the first place.

Fact is, a lot of college guys still believe the stork story. That’s right, many guys haven’t even had “the talk” yet. They’re just kind of doing what they picked up on the streets. Though, are you really that surprised?

  1. Turn men into rocket fuel for the space matriarchy.

Do we know that men don’t make good rocket fuel? In a post-truth world, no, we don’t. So it can’t hurt to try. If anyone gets mad, tell them we did it for science! Meet you on Venus.

  1. Start carrying your tampons around in a basket with a frilly, lace lining.

Be very candid about it — and why you need them. Offer them to others, even men. And don’t be shy about making a hoopla to take the basket with you in the middle of lecture to go to the bathroom.

  1. Womansplain things to men.

Quote Angela Davis and Simone de Beauvoir, and then scoff when they don’t know who or what you’re talking about. Be sure to interrupt, correct and crush any original ideas quickly and efficiently. Find that sweet spot between confidence and condescension, and then just lay into them about the nuances of parallel parking. “Actually…”

  1. Get a tool box

We’re going to just have to start deconstructing the damn system old school, y’all.  

Editor’s Note: Pitt Tonight’s female writers were actually too busy dismantling the patriarchy to help us write this list. So if any of these jokes are bad, that’s why. If any of them are good, it’s because women at The Pitt News’ office did the editing. You heard it here first folks — men aren’t funny.

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