Don’t get me wrong, I can see the appeal of a nice, cold beer straight out of the cooler on a hot summer day. It’s refreshing — I get it. But at what cost? 

Beer isn’t particularly good for your health — it certainly isn’t good for your dignity — and when you deconstruct its qualities, they begin to sound as gross as beer tastes.

 This past summer, I spent a month in Dublin, during which I visited the pride of my Irish ancestors — the Guinness Factory. While abroad, I learned about all the ingredients of a Guinness stout — malted barley, hops, water and yeast. Even just the words “barley” and “yeast” sounded unappealing. 

No one would accept a can of “liquefied bread” if you offered it to them with that label, but call it a “brewski,” and suddenly everyone’s thirsty. 

Save the thirst for something better. Leave the beer bottles and red Solo cups in the recycling bin where they belong, because not even a perfectly blue-mountained Coors Light is worth the trade-off of a belly hangover.

 The popularity of beer, especially among college students, will forever baffle me. It’s neither tasty nor necessarily healthy — while beer is said to contain high levels of protein and B vitamins, the alcohol content largely negates those benefits, according to CNN. 

Beer is one of the few alcohols that doesn’t give you that warm, happy buzz we so often crave from drinking. It makes you feel heavy and gross, in that I-just-consumed-an-entire-pizza-by-myself-and-kind-of-want-to-die sort of way. The bloat isn’t surprising, as the average bottle of beer contains about 150 calories, according to CNN, while the average glass of red wine will only add a heart-healthy 120 to your daily 2,000. 

Plus, that five-ounce glass has about as much alcohol as that 12-ounce bottle of beer and, according to life experience, the average college student doesn’t usually stop at one serving. I’d hazard a guess that the prevalence of beer on college campuses has little to do with its taste or potential health benefits.

Beer represents a culture, from pong at frat parties and tailgates to craft beers and home-brewers. Beer is relatively cheap to buy wholesale, and it’s an easy sipper, meaning the average college-aged drinker can cling to social safeguards of cans all night without feeling too drunk. 

It’s also a very communal alcohol — you can find hundreds, if not thousands, of freshly empty cans strewn about the gravel lot after any football game, and Thursday nights at Hofbräuhaus are something like a rite of passage for 21-year-old Pitt students. 

Besides its easily replicated social aspects, beer isn’t all that hopping. There are healthier, cheaper and tastier ways to achieve that happy buzz without the added weight.

So swap the trademark Hofbräuhaus mug for a Mad Mex Big Azz Marg, because if you’re going to damage your reputation as a functioning member of society beyond repair, you might as well enjoy it. 

Many red wines — especially Cabernet Sauvignon, Chianti and Merlot — contain melatonin, which can help with sleep, according to the Journal of Food Composition and Analysis. Red wines also contain low levels of resveratrol, according to an article published in The Independent, which can help reduce the risk of heart and cardiovascular disease. 

Plus, killing the pain with wine is supreme, second only to whiskey — my personal drink of choice. 

Wine drunk is the ultimate warm-and-happy type of drunk, perhaps enhanced by the fact that it’s a drink best served either cold or hot — there’s no shame, for instance, in enjoying a glass of mulled wine during a London bar crawl in the winter. Worst case scenario, you end up looking like the “classy” friend in the evening’s Instagram posts.

 Cost is another crucial factor. 

Sure, Natural Light is one of the cheapest drinks you can buy in bulk — usually less than $20 for a 24-pack. But cheap vodka exists, and it’s kind of amazing. There’s a reason Crown Russe and Vladimir Vodka are the “old faithfuls” of the college demographic — you can get a half-gallon of each for less than $15 apiece. Not to mention, vodka mixes well with just about anything if you do it right. 

If you’re looking to be better than Vlad — which, to be fair, most of us are — Jack Daniels is a perfectly suitable alternative. 

A single shot of whiskey in a glass of ginger ale or Coke will give you just as much of a buzz as a bottle of beer, and, as a much lighter alternative to beer, whiskey ginger won’t result in you lying on the floor, being burped by a friend after the first round of Beer Olympics.

 Finally, as far as taste is concerned, I have one word for anyone who thinks beer is the most refreshing summertime beverage: margaritas. 

Seriously, it’s impossible for anyone not to enjoy margaritas — they’re the lovechild of slushies and tequila. They’re fresh, fruity and delightful, and there are a number of places in the Greater Pittsburgh area — Mad Mex and The Porch at Schenley are great local options — to get a quality one if you value taste over calorie count.

 In my time as a legal drinker, I have found but one beer that I genuinely enjoy: Einstök Icelandic White Ale, which is unfortunately only available in Iceland, the U.K., Estonia and a select few U.S. states — thankfully including Pennsylvania. So, I will admit that not all beers are entirely putrid, but I’ve yet to find more than a single exception.

 Beer is not the be-all and end-all of the college — or drinking — experience. Go ahead and enjoy the good stuff, but appreciate the vast selection of other options, too, and try something else along the way. Your stomachs and wallets will both thank you.

Write to Sam at [email protected].