April Fools’: Briefs from the sports world

By Greg Trietley

Greg Trietley

Senior Staff Writer

Gibbs under investigation

The NCAA opened a probe Friday… Gibbs under investigation

The NCAA opened a probe Friday into whether Pitt basketball star Ashton Gibbs accepted illegal benefits from defenses throughout the basketball season. “I just took what the defense gave me,” Gibbs admitted in a press conference. An investigation into whether Pitt football accepted 15-yard personal foul penalties and other benefits is also ongoing.

Birch struggling with zone defense, Pacific Time Zone

Reports surfaced Thursday that UNLV basketball forward Khem Birch, who transferred from Pitt this winter, has struggled to adapt to the Pacific Time Zone. He has slept through several practices and refuses to eat dinner at a reasonable hour. It is unknown at this time if Birch’s two-toned hairstyle can still be used as a sundial.

Errey detained on airplane

Officials detained Pittsburgh Penguins analyst Bob Errey Tuesday when he refused to stop narrating the events on his charter flight. “Look at [Evgeni] Malkin flying out there,” he said repeatedly. “Jordan Staal is absolutely the quickest at making his seat upright.” Federal marshals finally silenced Errey when they asked for some positives to defenseman Paul Martin’s game.

Fans disappointed CBI game not Cirque du Soleil

“I was told there would be whimsy,” a 32-year-old man said shortly after tipoff between the Pitt Panthers and the Washington State Cougars. Many in attendance were placated when Panthers forward J.J. Moore jumped over the backboard on a breakaway dunk attempt.

Sunseri: “Finally, someone who gets me”

Pitt quarterback Tino Sunseri expressed his affection for head coach Paul Chryst in a press conference Wednesday. “[Former coach Todd] Graham always wanted me to change,” Sunseri said. “Roll right this, throw on the run that. But coach [Chryst] is different. He knows you can’t change a man. He gets me. He’s the one.” Reports indicate, though, that Chryst is not yet ready to commit, despite it being Tino’s senior year.

Women’s soccer: “The Hunger Games” only mediocre

The Pitt women’s soccer team released a statement Saturday stating its displeasure with the box office hit “The Hunger Games.” The Panthers believe that jarring camera movements distracted from the film’s action, although they do feel that it was a moderately realistic portrayal of women’s college soccer.

Versatile Patterson to start at guard, power forward, uneven bars

“With this extra basketball, we saw what we have in Lamar [Patterson],” Pitt head coach Jamie Dixon said Saturday. “Since he handled everything so well, we thought he could try gymnastics, too.” It is possible that Patterson will be available to compete in the all-around next season, although his preference is the uneven bars.

Lewis’ pregame speech spurs Pitt to victory

Pitt basketball called on Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis to motivate the Panthers with a brief pregame speech that spoke of “rage for glory.” The speech clearly worked, as Pitt defeated Towson, 63-61.

Electrical outlet needed for CBI trophy

Pitt officials continue to search for an electrical outlet in order to plug in the CBI trophy. “I hear it’s beautiful when it’s turned on,” a Pitt spokesperson said Friday. “It really lights up a room.” Reports deny, though, that it will be used at a disco-themed party on Atwood Street next weekend.

Gilbert longs for time when he was just a 6-foot-4 preteen

Pitt freshman center Malcolm Gilbert reminisced about his formative years in a documentary released by the basketball program Sunday. “I remember I used to need a stepstool to dust the ceiling fan,” he said. “Now it’s tough for people to make contact with my high-fives.” Head coach Jamie Dixon said in a press conference that Gilbert will work at Hillman Library in the offseason retrieving books from the top shelf and boxing out confused students.

There’s a basketball about to hit my laptop

An errant pass from Pitt guard Tray Woodall sailed into media row Saturday, and oh no it’s heading for me I can only protect my face or the laptop not both what should I—