April Fools: Three cheers for Gov. Tom Corbett!

It’s now been one year since our magnificent school was privatized, and while we were all… It’s now been one year since our magnificent school was privatized, and while we were all initially worried that this change would bar lower-income students from attending, I think we can agree that this is the best thing to happen to Pitt since the Cathedral of Learning was built.

The anger directed at Gov. Tom Corbett for continuously cutting our funding has subsided and frankly, I believe the great governor did us all a favor. He managed to decrease the deficit of the great state of Pennsylvania while hardly losing any votes in the process. Sure, 40 percent of Pitt’s students had to transfer as a result of the new $40,000 tuition price — not even counting the number of students who were left without a college after the school’s branch campuses closed — but Mr. Corbett reduced Pennsylvania’s debt and made Pitt a more exclusive school that only caters to students who come from families of a certain caliber.

In a few years, our illustrious alumni will give more generous gifts and make more contributions than the students from families with less money have given over the past 225 years. Imagine what we could accomplish with a Dietrich-level donation every other year.

Furthermore, think about the respect we command as a private university. Only students from the best families are attending our great school — families that hold positions in Congress and produce movie stars! Pitt might be mentioned in the same sentences as equally expensive schools like Harvard, New York University and Princeton in coming years.

Now, there are no more parasites living off financial aid for four years before obtaining jobs in the Peace Corps! Only the richest, most privileged people should occupy high positions in society — positions like doctors, lawyers and politicians. How silly we were to think that it’s the right of every person to have an education.

Yes, a Darwinian style of schooling where only the fittest (i.e. richest) are able to survive is much better. Once an institution that catered to students from all socioeconomic backgrounds, Pitt now graduates only those that can afford its hefty price tag. Sure, this only widens the educational gap by ensuring that primarily students with money can afford higher education, but think of how prestigious this makes us look. Every great college knows that graduating big names is more important than allowing as many students from as many different walks of life the ability to experience college life. So thank you, Governor Corbett, for helping us realize our school’s flawed perception of the purpose of higher education. You can rest easily knowing that students from public schools in Pennsylvania do not hold Pitt’s privatization against you — and even if they do, they won’t vote against you when you’re up for re-election.