Eli Savage | Contributing Editor
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Life is like a box of chocolates, Aquarius. People, inside that box of life, are also like chocolate. Some people are filled with caramel. Some are filled with that coconut cream stuff, the kind that’s vaguely chunky and gritty. Next time you see a person, break them open to see what kind of chocolate they are. They might be filled with peanut brittle. Tasty!
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Do you ever shout into the void? Do you ever say that you’re talking into the void or putting something into the void? Consider how you treat the void, Pisces. The void is tired of being used. It’s sick of being the millennial “giving tree,” offering space to stressed, anxious young adults, taking on countless problems, being yelled into. Consider reversing the roles, just once. I’m sure the void would love to scream into you for once.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Every elementary school class had one kid who would willingly eat a bug, just for attention. Any bug really — beetles, ladybugs, sometimes worms. No matter who your bug kid was, Aries, think about their actions. Think about how brazen and unapologetic one must be to continuously eat whatever hid under the slide on the playground, just for the satisfaction of their peers screaming as they crush an ant and lick it off their finger. There’s a lot to learn from bug kid. Not about actually eating bugs, of course, but about living life.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Tidiness will be a major theme for you this month. To capitalize on this astrological power, considering clearing out your space using Marie Kondo’s KonMari method. Walk around your room and consider which objects do not bring you joy. I suggest beginning with that $200 biology textbook. Next, move on to your roommate, who keeps drinking your almond milk. That brings you the opposite of joy. You suck, Kelly. Move around your room, putting anything that does not spark joy into the trash. You might believe you’re done once you find yourself standing in a barren room, but you would be wrong, Taurus. The final step is to lower yourself into the trash can. Then, and only then, you will achieve maximum tidiness.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Word on the street is that you’re mad, Gemini. You’re mad that Buzzfeed’s “What Type Of Water Are You” quiz said that you’re tap water. You see yourself as expensive. You think you’re cool. Hip. Young. With it. I get it. But you know what’s great about tap water, Gemini? It’s accessible and free, and so are you. Turn that frown upside down! You might not be the water served at the Golden Globes, but you are the water I make pasta with, and for that, I salute you.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Consider this quote: “A leopard cannot change its spots. A person cannot change who they are, no matter how hard they try.” Like the leopard, you cannot change those spots you’ve been developing over the past week. The transformation is already too far along, too deep. We’re sorry, but there’s nothing we can do to help you anymore. I suppose it’s time to abandon your human life and figure out what those spots could possibly be.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Newsflash, Leo! The universe doesn’t care about you. It doesn’t care about anything. That’s what makes it the universe. It’s an uber-cool undercurrent of existence and it’s too punk rock to care about the needs of mere mortals. Actually, scratch that. I think it cares about a little bit about Ariana Grande’s new album right now, but really, what spiritual force wouldn’t take the time to care about that?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22): Now, Virgo, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed. I understand that you had the lipstick, but you should have been more responsible. Why did you put lipstick in my purse. Lipstick? In my Valentino white bag? I’m really just confused and hurt. I want to understand. Please help me understand why you would do this, Virgo.
Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 22): Picture a basket, brimming with boxes of organic mac and cheese, four packs of holiday window clings, one fake succulent, a discussion about your terrible ex-boyfriend (the one who wore a necklace with a dragon pendant), a silicone spatula, two discounted heart-shaped Reese’s cups and three hours off the back end of your life. Target run and done.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Next time you’re in an elevator, turn away from the door. Face the other inside of the elevator. I advise you to stare at your elevator-mates. Peer into their eyes with that classic Scorpio gaze. A man’s soul is nothing but a squirming tadpole inside the heart. Once you see this immature animal inside all the men in the elevator, turn around with flourish and go on with your day. Do it. It’ll be fun.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Blood is thicker than water. Blood is also thicker than milk. And coffee. And Diet Coke. How did you not know this? Have you been drinking blood this whole time? And how exactly did that blood get into your can of Diet Coke? You have a lot of explaining to do, Sagittarius.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Two haikus for the Capricorn:
I Have Four Papers Due This Week and My Brain Forgot How to Write in Complete Sentences
Does one large coffee
Plus one Five Hour Energy
Make ultra coffee?
Please do not try it
This drink will make you too strong
And far too anxious.
Allison Dantinne primarily writes satire and humor for The Pitt News. Write to Allison at [email protected]