Enough is enough.

The bomb threat and campus evacuations last Wednesday might have actually… Enough is enough.

The bomb threat and campus evacuations last Wednesday might have actually convinced some students it was finals week. I understand that those pesky term papers and midterms interfere with porch drinking and eating Razzy Fresh, but threatening to blow up a building to avoid a communications exam isn’t exactly a Bond film-worthy scheme.

Instead of wasting your time committing felonies, consider this list of equally classy, slightly more legal, but still unethical strategies for avoiding classes.

Lie

The old “dog ate my homework” excuse won’t cut it anymore — college is the big leagues, where you have to spin your lies faster than your professor when he told you attendance was mandatory. I tend to subscribe to the notion that the bigger the lie, the more likely your professor is to believe it because of its sheer ridiculousness. Try saying that you had to cut class because the police detained you and questioned you about the recent bomb threats or that you were attacked by a pack of angry Pitt fans when they saw your Oakland Zoo shirt. Hopefully your professor’s sheer surprise or respect for your creativity will convince him to grant you an extension on your paper.

Enjoy the Weather

What’s the point of going to a class when it’s so nice out? Pick up a book or a Cosmo and go outside! Grab a case of Natty and play beer pong on your porch! The sun is only here for so long, and you can finish studying after your buzz dies down or when you’re no longer blacked out. You’re just working on your tan and socializing with your friends, bro; college is as much about living large as it is about graduating.

Bribe Your Professor

Never underestimate the power of a bribe. Talk to your teacher and figure out their likes and dislikes. Try baking a cake or some cookies. Don’t be afraid to get creative and make baked goods with a theme relevant to the class: Mitochondria cookies for biology professors and inkblot brownies for psychology professors are guaranteed hits. To those of you that are of age, ask your professor out for a drink and casually mention at the bar that you need an extension.

Request a Personal Day

Just come right out and tell your professor that you needed to take “a day for yourself,” without explaining what that entails. Most of them will be so taken aback by your honesty that they’ll give you an extension. In fact, it might even make them feel bad if you imply that their class is the reason you needed some time to clear your head. You might help your fellow students out by being irresponsible, you do-gooder. Just write a quick email 15 minutes before class saying you “can’t take the pressure” and “need some time off” to gather your thoughts and then BAM! You’re back in front of your television playing video games or sleeping!

Honesty

Your mom prepared you for this when she said that honesty is the best policy. Surprise the professor with your bluntness, saying, “Look, dude, I was going to come, but you’re just really boring, and I’d probably fall asleep or text and I didn’t want to be a distraction or waste your time grading my exam so I just thought I’d save you the trouble.” This will place the professor in your debt, as you did him a solid by saving him from grading your mediocre work. Don’t be afraid to call this favor in on the final by writing “I know I failed, but come on, bro, remember I skipped the midterm for you.”

Try not to abuse these methods — if you use them more than six to 10 times per week you aren’t likely to gain many credits this semester. But hey, at least you don’t have to explain to your future employers that you got kicked out of school because you would rather call in a bomb threat than take a midterm.

Contact Kel at [email protected].