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Bateman: A Moustachey chat with Susie Meister

By Oliver Bateman

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When last we left plucky “Road Rules” heroine Susie Meister, she had dyed her hair brown, was preparing to appear on MTV’s “Spring Break Challenge,” and wasn’t pregnant. When last we left plucky “Road Rules” heroine Susie Meister, she had dyed her hair brown, was preparing to appear on MTV’s “Spring Break Challenge,” and wasn’t pregnant. At our follow-up interview, we were shocked to discover that her hair was once again blond, she wasn’t preparing to appear on MTV’s “Spring Break Challenge,” and she was pregnant. Needless to say, things weren’t like they used to be. Come to think of it, were they ever? Between bites of our Primanti’s pastrami-and-egg sandwich, we were determined to find out.

The Moustache Club of America: OK, let’s start out with a real hardball-type question, the sort you’d get on that show “Hardball with Chris Matthews.” If you’re looking to get your sweetie a great gift, are Spanx body-shaping tights the way to go?

Susie Meister: No, absolutely not.

MCOA: Are you sure?

SM: Yes.

MCOA: All right, whatever. But while we’re on the topic of body-shaping, you’re looking pregnant as heck. How’s that going? Are you having fun registering for baby gifts and so forth?

SM: Well, yes and no. I’m trying to think outside the box, though. Instead of registering for the normal baby items, I’m thinking of registering for a margarita maker, Red Bull 24-packs and a muzzle (for the baby). Noise-canceling headphones aren’t on the list because I already own those. I hope I’m not forgetting anything.

MCOA: Are you worried about the baby growing up to become a bratty, bumptious chatterbox? If our loins weren’t as barren as the Gobi Desert, we’d certainly be concerned about such an outcome.

SM: Oh no, not at all. In fact, just the other day I found myself in the presence of some motor-mouth kid who wouldn’t shut up about his “Tom Hanks” video game. It took a while, but I realized it was actually a Tony Hawk video game. There should be a Tom Hanks video game though.

MCOA: We agree. Perhaps the game could feature a storyline that explains why late-career Tom Hanks now looks so much like mid-career Jim Belushi. But back to the baby-having. Has watching a show like “Hoarders,” where all those wretched souls let their waste pile up in various corners of the home or even within the toilet itself, prepared you for potty training?

SM: I’m more than prepared for people to stop telling me about their children’s adventures in potty training. I realize not having to change poopy diapers is life-altering for them, but I’d really appreciate it if they tempered their excitement over how their kids have tempered their excretions. Besides, if “Hoarders” is any indication, there’s a strong chance their self-sufficient rugrats are going to become dysfunctional adults who rush to stock up on diapers the minute their plumbing breaks.

MCOA: Hey, speaking of great shows, do you remember how on “Full House,” little Michelle Tanner would say “ouse cream” instead of “ice cream” for no reason at all? And the laugh track would just go on and on and on? Wasn’t that comedy gold? I don’t think anything that ever happened in the history of the world, except for when Jason Biggs had to simulate having sex with an apple pie, comes close to approximating how funny that was. No, wait, that’s not true. There was also that scene in “Spaceballs” where Rick Moranis, who’s playing some kind of Darth Vader-type character, asks his second-in-command, “What’s the matter, Colonel Sanders? Chicken?”

SM: I don’t know what any of that means, but for some reason it makes me think of the time an elderly stranger approached me in Starbucks and announced that he thinks a woman wearing a bra and panties from Victoria’s Secret is like a meatball sub. I had to agree.

MCOA: Now that you’re several years into graduate school, have you had any major insights related to your religious studies research? Any defining moments?

SM: That’s hard to say. I did just make a documentary where I spent time practicing various religions that’s been well received. But as far as a definitive moment, I suppose it would have to be that time I was sitting in Panera and a pan-flute version of “Wind Beneath My Wings” came on. It’s hard to believe that song could get any worse, but it did.

MCOA: So what’s next for Susie Meister? Other than finishing your delicious, french-fry-stuffed sandwich, that is.

SM: In the short term, I’ll be opening for Christina Pazsitzky from March 22 to March 25 at the Waterfront Improv. As for the long term … well, I can’t really say, Moustache Club of America. Nobody knows what the future holds for me. Maybe I’ll devote my considerable free time to inventing a better umbrella. I know our top scientists are booked solid making fans with no blades, PastaBoat pasta makers, special pans that are somehow better at melting chocolate than regular pans and silent dishwashers, but isn’t it time they take a break from that stuff and make a decent umbrella?

MCOA: Words to live by, my friend.

Oliver Lee Bateman (oliver.lee1@gmail.com) is the award-winning host of the Moustache Comedy Club of America (moustacheclubofamerica.com). Susie Meister Butler (susiemeister.com) was the face of late-’90s/early-’00s reality television. Tickets for her upcoming show at the Improv are on sale here.

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Bateman: A Moustachey chat with Susie Meister