In case you haven’t heard, Pitt is facing severe budget cuts … again. Yes, Gov. Tom Corbett… In case you haven’t heard, Pitt is facing severe budget cuts … again. Yes, Gov. Tom Corbett is poised to further reduce our funding, this time from $136 million to $95.2 million.

Understandably, a lot of students are stressed out about further tuition increases. But fear not — below is a list of suggested budget cuts that will ensure students don’t have to take out more bank-breaking loans.

Cut Professors’ Salaries

Let’s just ensure that professors earn less money so students don’t have to pay more. Ideally, this will force some professors to leave, thus saving Pitt even more money. In fact, we should just fire all professors and offer only online classes. We’d save thousands of dollars if we no longer had to pay those pesky lecturers to share their experiences and research with students. Plus, we would never have to go to class again! Maybe Corbett is looking out for us after all.

Abolish University Housing

Forget Bruce, Brackenridge, Lothrop, Towers, Center Plaza, Forbes-Craig, Ruskin, Bouquet Gardens, Amos, Holland, Sutherland, Forbes, McCormick, Pennsylvania and Panther Halls! First, knock them all down and fire the staff. Then, allow all the illustrious South Oakland landlords to move in and turn the former residence halls into off-campus housing. Think of all the money Pitt could save by not having to pay security guards and janitors! Not to mention the money it’ll save from no longer having to heat and air-condition the rooms. Sure, Pitt’s dorms provide a great way for apprehensive underclassmen to make friends and live close to campus, but remember: Students are here to learn, not live comfortably.

Bye Bye, Meal Plans

If we’re getting rid of Towers, we might as well get rid of Market Central. In fact, let’s just abolish meal plans altogether. Eradicating Sodexo’s on-campus presence would save Pitt a ton of money, which would in turn stimulate local restaurants. Students shouldn’t be eating anyway. If they’re hungry, they should seek intellectual nourishment. At least Pitt can afford to provide that … for now.

Get Rid of Research

It’s no secret that Pitt is a research school. In fact, our research expenditures, according to Chancellor Mark Nordenberg, support roughly 28,000 people in the surrounding region. Then again, research is a pretty boring endeavor and doesn’t really teach us anything, so we should probably cut its funding. I mean, cancer research isn’t really helping anyone, psychological research on addictions isn’t making any progress and the Polio vaccine would have been discovered without state funding, right?

Nix Student Organizations

Every year, student organizations from Pitt Club Baseball to the Men’s Glee Club request funding from the Student Government Board. I think we should get rid of these organizations altogether. Why give money to fraternities and sororities, whose philanthropy raises money for cancer foundations and people in need? Or multicultural clubs that enable students to develop more well-rounded, tolerant world views? Students should just pick up a few more classes if they find themselves with free time, instead of trying to develop leadership skills outside of the classroom or raising money for the less fortunate.

In all seriousness, it would make no sense to cut the above elements, and it would make even less sense to force Pitt to again spike its tuition. Sadly, it appears that Nordenberg was right when he said, “It is not possible for any university to sustain public university tuition rates if it is not supported like a public university.” When a large portion of Pennsylvania’s educated youth is leaving the state, ensuring that less students can afford to attend college here seems like an unreasonable solution.

Contact Kel at [email protected]