Sex Edition: Bateman: Guide to first dates

By Oliver Bateman

Even in this fast-paced, globalized 21st century of ours, quite a few people in long-term relationships have managed to reach that stage by going on actual dates with their significant others. Even in this fast-paced, globalized 21st century of ours, quite a few people in long-term relationships have managed to reach that stage by going on actual dates with their significant others. Instead of merely hanging out or chillaxing with their partners until both parties became too out of shape and infirm to seek greener pastures, many of your friends have taken the old-fashioned route to emotional satisfaction: scheduling activities with someone they find interesting and then waking up before the crack of 5 p.m. to carry them out.

If that sounds daunting to you … well, that’s because it is. Once you’ve located a cool person through texting or online dating or Facebooking — topics we’ve discussed in greater detail in earlier columns — you might be required to do something with him in order to win his affections. This will often entail going on a first date, the onerous prerequisite to second, third and any other subsequent dates.

Fortunately for you, we’ve gone on hundreds of first dates. The tips and tricks we learned during these encounters aren’t transferable to later dates — not that it would matter in our case, since we’ve only been on a handful of second and third dates — but they’re guaranteed to ensure that you and your special someone wind up having the gr8est — nay, the gr9est — evening imaginable.

So where to commence this awesome outing? At a fancy restaurant, of course, but also one that’s safely within your price range. Remember: Money doesn’t grow on those pizza boxes you meant to throw out two months ago — mold does. And until there’s a mechanism in place to harvest that mold and convert it into cold hard cash, you’ll have to pinch your pennies, give Indian burns to your nickels and lovingly caress your 50-cent pieces.

If you’re looking for a luxury dine-in experience on the cheap, consider a top-flight burger joint like Five Guys. Budget about $15 for the hamburgers, fries and sodas you’ll be consuming — nothing impresses a date quite like a healthy appetite — while reminding him as frequently as possible that you plan to “go dutch” tonight. Here’s a classy example of how to do that through text messaging:

u: hey look I hope u know I’m not payin for u tonite

urdate: yeah ok

u: so make sure you bring your own money cause like I said I’m not payin for ur crap

urdate: got it

u: that means u should have cash in ur wallet cause the $15 I’m bringin is 4 my own food. I’m hardgainin wut wut!

urdate: all right dawg, chill the f out. I’ll bring $$$

When you arrive together at the restaurant, you’ll face another hurdle: small talk. Until now, you’ve probably been able to slide by with cute emoticons and monosyllabic texts. But how on earth are you going to fill those five or so minutes when you’re not stuffing your face with vinegar-soaked french fries and greasy bits of hamburger? Take a page from our book:

You: Hey, tell me an anecdote about your childhood. Anything will do, really.

Your date: Well, when I was seven, my parents took me to Busch Gardens, and I nearly drowned …

Here’s your chance. While your date drones on with this shaggy-dog story, you can resume your favorite activities: setting your Yahoo! Sports fantasy football lineup, checking Facebook on your celly, texting the person you’re dating a few hours from now, daydreaming about what it’d be like to have so much money that you’d never have to get out of bed again and the like. When your current date forces you to comment on his tall tale — and invariably he will — just do the following:

Your date: So what do you think about that?

You (after a pregnant pause): Huh, that sure was something you just said. Of the different parts, my favorite part was the end.

After you’ve finished your meal, you might feel tempted to take your date to a movie or a club. We must urge you to resist these impulses and do the right thing: Invite your date back to your efficiency apartment to chillax with your four roommates. If this person can’t hang with your besties, what good is he or she to you?

Once you two crowd into that filthy rat hole you call home, you should begin ignoring your date and focusing on those besties. You haven’t seen them for a few hours, and they deserve your total attention. Sit as far away from your date as you can, and make little to no eye contact. Start saying whatever it takes to alienate your date. If your date happens to be a sweet, gentle soul, here’s the kind of coarse dialogue that’s sure to put him or her in high dudgeon:

You: Hey dude, remember that time I puked all over the place, and there was all that puke, and we didn’t clean it up for a few months, and I kept stepping in the puke, and you thought it was awesome?

Your bestie: Yeah, it was so frigging awesome! Remember how our commode didn’t flush for four straight months, and we started wearing diapers but were too lazy to take them downstairs and just heaped them in the corner and eventually the place got swarmed by houseflies that laid eggs and then there were maggots everywhere and you were like, “Dude, what the f? Why are we wearing diapers?”

You: Ha ha ha, we are so awesome!

Since it’s a studio apartment, there won’t be any need to show your date the door. He or she should be able to find it unassisted, after which you can begin preparing for your second first date.

What’s that? Yes, as we hinted earlier, you should have scheduled a second first date for approximately two hours after this first one. If our experiences are any indication, you’ll have at least an hour to freshen up between dates. You know the drill: Febreze your sweatpants, pick some of the caked-up makeup off your face and squeeze a few drops of Visine into the eyes to kill off any remnants of early afternoon 420-friendliness.

Happy hunting, true believers. It’s a jungle out there and so forth.

Oliver Bateman is the co-founder of the Moustache Relationship Research Facility of America. Visit to take our award-winning 266-question compatibility test. Is love just around the corner for you? Email [email protected] to find out!