Bateman: Look hot for Spring Break, reflect on awesomeness

By Oliver Bateman

Mark your calendars, broskerinos and dudettes: Spring Break hits on March 2, and it’s going to hit harder than the cumulative impact of 1,000 back-to-back-to-back “American Idol” auditions. Mark your calendars, broskerinos and dudettes: Spring Break hits on March 2, and it’s going to hit harder than the cumulative impact of 1,000 back-to-back-to-back “American Idol” auditions. But you needn’t fear: After spending the next 700 advice-laden words with us, you’ll be able to strike back with equal intensity.

Before we go any further, walk over to the nearest mirror, strip out of your loose sweats and assess the damage. Given that you haven’t worn anything more revealing than an XXL fleece since the beginning of October, you’re probably in store for a shock. Given that a freshman 50’s worth of pallid, pizza-padded flesh awaits your inspection, don’t be afraid to keep a barf bag at the ready.

Once you’ve determined that you look like a total wreck, it’s time to make some changes. You’ll never cut the mustard, much less the ketchup, if you stroll onto the beach with this kind of pathetic physique as your calling card. On top of that, it’s downright dangerous: The local bullies and toughs — of whom there are hundreds and perhaps even thousands at these resorts, if hot college comedies about spring break are any guide — will bum-rush you and proceed to kick piles of sand in your face.

An easy first step toward developing the body of your friends’ dreams consists of nothing more (and nothing less) than coating yourself from head to toe in spray tanning solution. Once you’re roughly the color of a dark clementine or a pastel eggplant, you’ll look at least 50 times better than you once did — and maybe a hundred if you can convince one of your closest bros to draw an “ab deck” on that spare tire of yours.

Next, get your hair highlighted. Few things draw attention to the natural color of your hair quite like a phat set of frosted tips. “Wow,” people will say when they catch sight of your new ’do, “If only the rest of his hair were as awesome as those frosted tips.” Bear in mind that all of this is absolutely necessary: Without a completely new look, there would be little point in crashing the beach and taking a whole bunch of envy-inducing Facebook photos.

And that’s what this is all about, isn’t it? The rest of your preparations — selecting a glamorous destination, picking out the most form-fitting “banana hammock” of a unisex thong you can find at American Apparel, taking out a few unsubsidized private student loans at a crushing 11.8 percent interest rate to afford this “booze cruise” — all pale in significance to the thorough documentation of this blessed event through social media that will occur once you arrive.

As soon as you reach the hotel you’ll be staying at, you can’t hesitate for so much as a split freakin’ second in terms of getting those shirtless pics out of the way. Within a few minutes, you’re going to be pouring gallons of Coronas down your gullet — go hard or go home, right? — and your gut will quickly have expanded to its previous dimensions.

In order to get around this problem, hurry to the beach and have your bros snap a bunch of pics of you goofing around and looking cool while you’re secretly tensing every available muscle in your body. Have them shoot you above the waist, so that the “viewers at home” won’t be able to tell that you’re using one of your hands to pull down the flab on your stomach so as to create the illusion of a striated six-pack of lean muscle.

If you want to mix things up, remember to wear a second bathing suit under your first one. After the requisite 500 pics have been snapped of you in your first one, change into that second suit. Accessorize your new look with stylin’ items such as a gold chain, a flat-brimmed hat and a clip-on “diamond” earring and there’ll be no way to tell that these pictures weren’t taken much later in the trip.

As far as the remainder of the trip goes, you’ll want to “check in” with your BFFs at as many happening locations as you possibly can. Even if you’re not anywhere near these locations (or on Spring Break at all, for that matter), you can search for them on your social network of choice, “check in” and carry on as if you’ve been having the time of your life. For example:

u: just rockin it wit mah dawgs at SEÑOR FROGS

25 minutes ago near Pittsburgh

u: kickin it hardk00r wit mah brahs at HOFBRAUHAUS

24 minutes ago near Pittsburgh

u: keepin it real lawlz roflmao at HOOTERS

23 minutes ago near Pittsburgh

urfriend: dude u get around lol

22 minutes ago near Pittsburgh

u: lol I kno rite?

21 minutes ago near Pittsburgh

Once your reputation as a debauchee nonpareil is firmly established via a stream of posts about how super cool the cool things you’ve been doing are, you can rest on your laurels. In fact, we’d recommend that you sleep through the remainder of the vacation, thereby conserving your energy for your long-awaited homecoming. When you return to the ’Burgh — a place where it’s always overcast with 500 percent humidity and everyone is fighting some kind of cold, flu or virulent strain of walking pneumonia — you can slip back into your loose sweats, order a couple of $5 pizza pies, fire up your iPad and start flipping through the public record of how much fun you just had.

Believe us when we tell you that we couldn’t think of anything better if we tried. If you can, however, we urge you to do it, since this sounds pretty horrible.

Oliver Bateman ([email protected]) is a licensed travel agent at the Moustache Vacation Club of America. Check out all of the Club’s exotic getaway deals at, and follow us on twitter @MoustacheClubUS to learn about our daily specials.