Lyons: A wish list for Pitt spending

If you’ve read the The Pitt News in the past couple of weeks or if you saw the giant banner… If you’ve read the The Pitt News in the past couple of weeks or if you saw the giant banner hanging from the Cathedral of Learning, you’re aware of the late William S. Dietrich II’s $125 million donation to our University. That money is going to spur some serious changes in our community, even if many of us won’t be here to enjoy them.

Of course, Pitt can’t spend Dietrich’s donation indiscriminately. In case University officials are taking suggestions, however, the following is a wish list of University-implemented initiatives that any student could support.

More Fraternities

I don’t know about you, but if I go one block without seeing someone wearing khaki shorts, a snapcap, the latest Sperry fashion item and a hoodie with Greek letters on it, I break down and cry. A college campus can always use more bros. Unfortunately, only about 10 percent of Pitt students are involved in Greek life, so it’s time for us to expand the number of fraternities and sororities on campus. If nothing else, it’ll give underclassmen another basement or two to dance in on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights.

More Residence Halls

We need to ensure students aren’t housed in the Wyndham next year. Otherwise, parents will stay in the same building as their children when they visit. This is very bad. What if they walk in on you “smanging” some co-ed you met at one of the new fraternities’ parties? There is no worse end to Family Weekend than listening to your mom insist that the girl she glimpsed in your bed come to breakfast with the family at Pamela’s. Take it from me: Having to hide the black and purple hickies on both of your necks will not be easy.

On-campus Nightclub

Some colleges have on-campus nightclubs for students ages 18 and older. Pitt needs to jump on this bandwagon; not all of us want to wait until we’re 21 to hit the Pittsburgh Café dance floor. While grinding with the high schoolers at Club Zoo might sound appealing to some students, I would prefer venturing to an Oakland venue and dancing with girls that won’t get me in trouble with the law. Think about how epic this would be: Instead of heading to the same apartment party you frequent every week, you could throw on your dancing shoes and do the Bernie, Dougie and Chicken Noodle Soup with students from all across Pitt’s campus.

Moon Bounces in Schenley Park

I can think of no better way to boost students’ spirits after potential failed exams than jumping on a couple moon bounces in Schenley Park. In addition to their therapeutic qualities, moon bounces can take you back to that time when you were a child and didn’t have to worry about exams or papers or graduate school applications. Ice-skating rinks, running trails and swing sets are fun, but they don’t hold a candle to the sheer joy inherent in jumping around in an inflatable castle.

Expand SafeRider Routes

Those living in South Oakland this year know that catching a Pitt shuttle back home is a bit like waiting for a unicorn to pick you up from Bates Street. Residents of our student ghetto need to be able to frequently hop on SafeRider for a quick trip back instead of wandering at the middle of the night from one end of the neighborhood to another. Seriously, Pitt, don’t make us endure the 15-minute trek to North Oakland all year!

Although some of Dietrich’s money will undoubtedly fund recruitment and research, I’m confident this list is a solid representation of what students would like to see on their campus. Hopefully Chancellor Mark “Nordy” Nordenberg can float some of that cash our way.