We’ve all experienced it: the jackhammer, the darting-tongue kisser, the two-pump chump — in… We’ve all experienced it: the jackhammer, the darting-tongue kisser, the two-pump chump — in short, the partner that’s bad in bed.
Sometimes you can predict what you’re up against. But every once in a while, there’s that person who oozes swagger, sexiness and overall chemistry, yet can’t seem to translate the same effect to the bedroom.
The resulting situation is not only awkward but also difficult to resolve. No one wants to be the person lying there wishing that the sex was over. (And obviously, no one wants to be on the other end either — so unskilled that your partner is filled with glee thinking about the end.)
But what do you do if you’re the first person? Do you exit the situation as tactfully as possible? Or do you try and help insipid partners improve their games?
Put simply, it depends on where you want the relationship to go.
If the partner you’re with is important to you, then your sex life will be too, and it’s probably not an option to get out right then and there. Instead, try and work out your problems. If you’re in a hookup, however, it might be best to end the night as soon as possible.
In this scenario, there are a few ways to improve your partner’s performance. The best technique is try to subtly and sexily coax your partner in the right direction. It’s not acceptable to blurt out, “Can you please stop kissing me? You’re licking my whole face.” Instead, say something like, “Baby, I love it more when you kiss me like [insert technique].”
If there’s a specific position that works already, direct your partner to it. If he or she is mind-blowing at oral sex, start the night off there to get the mood going. Praise your partner with enthusiastic noises when it does feel good — your partner will respond. Everyone loves a gold star. And don’t ever be afraid to tell your partner what is pleasing. Saying something like, “Oh, that [your favorite thing] feels so good,” will invariably send your partner in the right direction.
In these situations, it’s important to be patient: Good sex doesn’t happen in a day, even if the talent is there. Usually you’ll have to get used to each other and learn the things that will make intercourse delightful for both of you. Improvement will follow after a few sessions.
If you’re just involved in a hookup, however, you should realize something: If you want amazing sex, or if you’re interested in improving you and your partner’s performance, this probably isn’t for you. As a friend of mine remarked, “If I’m just fooling around or having a one-night stand, I really don’t care about the girl getting what she wants. I want to finish, and I won’t work as hard to please her because I’ll probably never hook up with her again.”
In fact, if you’ll settle for nothing less than amazing results, the best policy is to bail before it goes too far. In other words, if you’re kissing someone, and your gut is warning you that it’s just going to get worse once sex is initiated, you should get out quickly and painlessly, rather than attempt to make the plunge and coach your partner into success. I’m not saying to stop right in the middle of a makeout session, insult the poor person and continue to stomp out or send that person home. There’s still time, though, to ease your way out and just explain that you don’t want to move any further. A person shouldn’t expect you to do anything more than kiss if you’ve just met anyway.
Though it absolutely sucks to have a damper on your sex life, it can almost always be fixed. The amount of work you put in just depends on how much you care about the other person involved and where you want the relationship to lead. Stay patient, especially in bed. You can’t expect greatness on day one. But if you work on it, I can promise that amazing sex is coming your and your partner’s ways.