Lyons: Why Pitt really dropped in the happiness rankings

Where have all the sunshine and rainbows gone? Where have all the sunshine and rainbows gone?

A few weeks ago, to my everlasting dismay, Pitt dropped from No. 8 to No. 20 in The Princeton Review’s “Colleges with the happiest students” category. How, I wondered, could this happen? Are the muggy skies, icy hills and aggressive panhandlers not enough to make us smile?

Now, I think I understand our problem. From angry sports fans to tuition hikes, I’ve cited a few developments I believe to have contributed to our fall from grace — developments that forced us to shed tears that drenched our city like Hurricane Irene drenched the East Coast.

Budget Cuts and Tuition Hikes

Unless you live under a rock, you know that Pitt recently raised its tuition 8.5 percent. Thanks to the lovely Gov. Tom Corbett and Pennsylvania’s budget, we can now all enjoy taking out more loans and look forward to paying back said loans until we hit 50.

Understandably, the recent tuition hike has stressed out a large portion of our campus, forcing students to pick up jobs they otherwise wouldn’t pursue. Though I’m sure some of you might have wanted to work at a pizza shop since coming to Pitt, I’m assuming the majority would have preferred to focus strictly on clubs and 18-credit semesters.

Philadelphia Sports Fans

Before all the Philly fans stop reading this column, let me just say that I too hail from “just outside of Philadelphia.” I fully support the Eagles and the Flyers and cringed/nearly transferred when the Steelers almost won the Super Bowl last year. I feel the same heartbreak and anger you do every January and May or June when football and hockey seasons end and I’m left with a bitter, pessimistic outlook on life.

That being said, it’s no secret that we Philly fans are much angrier and more aggressive than our counterparts from the western side of the state. They love their sports teams too, but they aren’t willing to flip off a 10-year-old that happens to be wearing another team’s jersey. Though Pittsburgh fans might characterize us as “lacking class,” I believe our nastiness derives from the frustration we feel at not having won a Super Bowl yet. The number of Philadelphia-area students at Pitt is staggering, so it’s not unreasonable to think that our increasing despair might have contributed to the drop in happiness.

Wendy’s Leaving Oakland

Up until recently there existed a Wendy’s on the corner of Atwood Street and Fifth Avenue. Although there are multiple branches of the chain in Pittsburgh, that location was the only one in Oakland. Granted, we have McDonald’s and The O, but can you really compare their products to Twisted Frostys and Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers? As a freshman living in Lothrop, I would help myself to this delectable food multiple times a week. When the restaurant closed down on Feb. 14 last year, I was nothing less than heartbroken.

After all, did Wendy’s really believe college kids would ever stop venturing there after a night of going wild at the frats? Now we’re forced to eat subpar fast food after a hard night of partying instead of a glorious golden-brown white chicken nugget meal from the restaurant named after everyone’s favorite ginger.

In addition to the aforementioned trends, I predict Pitt’s happiness ranking will only drop further next year, thanks to two further developments:

Self-Service Printing

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? Did a group of people just get together and decide: “Hey, students love to wait patiently in line in the 10 or so minutes they have between classes, so why not make self-service printing the default option?” Although waiting in line to print a mundane assignment is personally my favorite way to spend an hour of my day, it doesn’t seem to make other students particularly happy. This isn’t even considering the fact that the machines break down frequently and that those who print to the regular printers usually just end up jamming it. At the very least, it’s inspired me to create a new game called “find the freshmen,” where you stand in line and try to pick out the freshmen waiting to print their papers; you can usually spot them because they’re the only people in line not complaining loudly about how ineffective this new practice is — mostly because they don’t have anything to compare it to.

The Global Summit

The Pitt News reported on Sept. 8 that Pittsburgh will host the Global Summit, a convocation of young delegates from around the world, in 2012. Although security will no doubt be less militant than during the G-20, one can assume that these future world leaders will want to be protected and thus require numerous SWAT teams to stand on every street corner in Pittsburgh and menace bystanders. With this kind of stressful meeting hanging over our heads next year, we can all expect situations in Oakland to deteriorate again soon.

Nevertheless, I like to end my columns on a positive note. Even if these sources of misfortune aren’t amended, we’re still the 20th happiest college in America. If that doesn’t cheer you up, think of it this way: At least we’re having a better time than West Virginia.