Lyons: Unorthodox ways to channel your anger

Stop punching holes in your wall — there are more effective ways to deal with fury.

We all… Stop punching holes in your wall — there are more effective ways to deal with fury.

We all have those moments when we don’t quite know what to do with our anger: after receiving a failing grade on an exam, for example, or while watching Pitt football. Accordingly, I’ve listed a few unorthodox coping mechanisms to help you feel the collective joy that makes Pitt the 20th happiest university in the United States.

Go On A Trip

Take advantage of free Port Authority transportation! Because if you’re angry with everyone and everything in Oakland, it’s best to get as far away from your friends as possible. Take a bus to the Andy Warhol Museum, or, if you’re of age, to the Hofbrauhaus. Who wants to talk about their problems and resolve their disputes with friends when you can just run away using public transportation?

Eat

Have the perfect body? Then forget using the gym to relieve your anger and do some hardcore binge eating. As any recently single 14-year-old can tell you, sometimes eating a quart of Ben and Jerry’s Rocky Road ice cream is the best method for dealing with frustration and sadness. Don’t like ice cream? Try to consume a large order of O fries or an entire Sorrento’s pizza with ranch. I dare you to try to continue being outraged after you devour so many calories that you slip into a food coma.

Rant

If you’re really mad about something, it’s always best to put it into words. Loud ones. In public. Annoyed with your boss for yelling at you in front of all your co-workers? Feel free to loudly explain what you would do if you were locked in a room with him, some batteries and a tube sock. In addition to having your rant featured on the Overheard at Pitt Facebook page, you’ll probably make the people around you laugh at how ridiculous you sound. Their amusement at your frustration will make you realize that you might be exaggerating a bit.

Do Work

Though some may think it’s difficult to get work done when you’re consumed with rage, I’ve found that anger can serve as a solid motivator for homework. Those of you who took the laughably easy general education class Introduction to Psychology may remember the term “sublimation” — that is, the conversion of frustrations or cravings into socially acceptable activities. In other words, that rage and aggression can actually fuel your motivation and allow you to get some work done. Use that anger and be productive! Head over to the Cathedral and hit the books before you hit someone.

Watch TV

How can you stay outraged while watching MTV’s “Teen Wolf” or “16 and Pregnant”? While the material presented in these shows could be construed as offensively stupid, the reason they’re so popular is because they’re easy, mindless ways to kill time that keep our thoughts off more serious topics. Irate with Pitt for moving to the ACC? Go On Demand and turn on an episode of “Jersey Shore.” If the collective stupidity of Snooki and The Situation doesn’t make you smile, then I don’t know what will.

Creative Visualization

It’s rarely a good idea to physically attack the source of your anger. Punching one of your parents in the face because they just don’t “get you” is usually not a phenomenal coping mechanism. Instead, you should channel that aggressive energy into hitting a punching bag while imagining that you’re hitting your antagonist. This idea won’t result in you getting arrested, which is what happens when you strike another person with a golf club because they’re ticking you off.

Obviously, healthier coping techniques like breathing exercises and yoga are more acceptable. If you’ve attempted all of these and nothing works, try to remember that what’s bothering you right now probably won’t make as big of an impact in your life as you suspect, and that life shouldn’t be taken that seriously anyway. After all, none of us will make it out alive.