April Fools: Roc to repopulate Panthers

By Olivia Garber

The fate of the eastern cougar now rests in the loins of Roc the Panther.

The U.S. Fish and… The fate of the eastern cougar now rests in the loins of Roc the Panther.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, a federal government agency within the Department of the Interior, declared the eastern cougar extinct earlier this month, but recently approached Chancellor Mark Nordenberg to see if he would feel comfortable letting Roc out to stud.

Faced with impending budget cuts proposed by Gov. Tom Corbett, Nordenberg quickly agreed, citing the $80 million compensation the University would receive per act of luv-making.

After a series of tests that assessed the virility, motility and pH level of Roc’s biznat, the Wildlife Service concluded that Roc was a “he-man studpoker,” according to the report.

Because Roc is the sole survivor of the eastern cougar subspecies, really smart scientists have decided to breed Roc with females of other subspecies of cougars to create a new, stronger breed.

The first cougar on Roc’s “to do list” is Penn State’s Nittany Lion.

When Pitt and Penn State received word of the imminent intercourse, outrage ignited across both campuses.

Pitt’s Student Government Board abandoned its “If you cut our funding” project, changing part of the sentence to become “If you breed our panther.”

General responses included, “If you breed our panther, future generations will be watered down to weak copies of what once was a majestic beast,” and “If you breed our panther, I will transfer.”

SGB president Maureen Bieber said that the Pitt administration was essentially whoring out Roc for money.

“This isn’t even consensual,” she said. “Let’s whore out the administrators for money instead. Oh wait, no one would pay for that.”

Pitt administrators’ only response to the outcry was a mass e-mail explaining that part of the breeding agreement included a reinstatement of the legendary Pitt vs. Penn State football game.

The e-mail did little to appease Pitt students.

Regina McDowall, a Pitt senior, said the thought of Roc bumpin’ uglies with the Nittany Lion was “repulsive” and “against everything I stand for.”

“How can they even make babies? Isn’t the Nittany Lion a boy?” she said, tears of frustration leaking out of forlorn eyeballs.

That question is a popular query, as most of Pitt’s students believed that Penn State’s mascot was indeed a male. But contrary to popular belief, the Nittany Lion — also known as Nit — is a female pussycat.

Roc has undergone several exercise programs to maximize his sexual prowess. In addition to pilates and yoga, Roc has also been reading up on Cougar Kama Sutra.

“He’s learning really fast,” said sex trainer Barbarella McGee. “His thrusts are really strong, but he still needs to work on stamina.

“He also tends to miss baskets in the final seconds of the game — so to speak,” she said.

McGee also has Roc watching hours of “cougar porn.” The viewing of videos depicting cougars engaging in coitus is similar to strategies practiced by a panda breeding center in China, except those use pandas instead of cougars.

The first conjugal date has been pushed back multiple times because Nit keeps complaining of a “headache,” but both teams say the first mating should be soon. Currently, Roc and Nit have already engaged in preliminary “get to know each other” meetings.

“So far, they haven’t gotten much done besides some initial sniffs,” said Dr. Marly Davidson, one of the really smart scientists conducting the experiment. She said that the team is hoping for a fall baby.