April Fools’: Graduation ceremony to become a kegger

By Sarah Simkin

Faced with unprecedented budget cuts, the University will substitute the traditional graduation… Faced with unprecedented budget cuts, the University will substitute the traditional graduation ceremony with a paid-entry college party — or, in popular terminology, a “kegger.”

“What better way for our students to celebrate the end of their college careers than the way they celebrated every Thursday, Friday and Saturday during their educations?” asked Lola Fisher, vice provost of the newly created Revelry Allocations Department.

“Between our focus group discussions and e-mail surveys, I think we’ve discovered that most students show up drunk anyway,” she continued. Fisher and her team of several dozen researchers and administrative assistants launched plans for the graduation kegger as soon as the news of potential budget cuts broke in mid-March.

The University collaborated with some of the finest minds in party planning, including the people behind several successful fraternities and that one house party on Semple Street.

“I mean, we’ll still have our own party at the house, but we were happy to assist the University, especially since they took us off double-secret-probation in exchange for our consultation services,” said Mark “Shotgun Champion” Bro, the Delta Tau Chi social chair.

Special blue-and-metallic-beige Solo cups have been purchased for the event. Other decorations will be kept to a minimum, however, because, in Bro’s words, they would be “too much effort.”

Hand markings — either rubber stamps depicting the University’s beloved Panther mascot or wildly slashed Sharpie X’s — will be available at the Petersen Events Center’s lobby entrance or through Concourse A.

Admission is tentatively priced at $500 for guys, $300 for girls.

“Sorry, ladies,” Chancellor Mark Nordenberg said, noting that the University doesn’t have enough money to honor the tradition of women drinking free.

Officials will admit graduates who have paid $56,000 over a four-year period, as well as anyone who can demonstrate proof that they “know a guy.”

Outside the Classroom Curriculum credit will be available to all attending underclassmen at swiping stations located in the food court. The credit is expected to wipe out all requirements in the program’s “Appreciation of the Arts” category.

Doors will open at 11 a.m. on May 1, but it’s unlikely that anyone will show up before 1 p.m. Jell-O shots will be available for $125 each at all concession stands — $100 if payment is made with Panther Funds. Dining Dollars cannot be used.

Mirrors will be temporarily removed from bathrooms to discourage lingering. We’ve also hidden anything breakable or valuable,” said Hugo Gral, coordinator of facility management for the Petersen Events Center.

University officials decided to change the graduation speaker to appropriately reflect the new tone of the event. The famously college-loving Asher Roth will now serve as the class of 2011’s commencement speaker — or rather, commencement rapper.

Academic regalia will be discouraged in favor of SempleFest T-shirts and clothing bearing the slogan “The Cathedral of Learning: Guiding Drunk Kids Home Since 1934.”

In anticipation of the hangovers likely to follow the University-wide commencement ceremony, all individual school graduation recognition events have been canceled or replaced with pancake breakfasts on Monday morning. Commemorative sunglasses will be available at the Pitt Shop and it is recommended that students and their families consider stocking up on aspirin at one of the several drugstores located near campus.