I’m not afraid to admit that my guilty pleasures include several over-the-top reality… I’m not afraid to admit that my guilty pleasures include several over-the-top reality re-runs, like “Say Yes to the Dress” and “Iron Chef America.” I’ve seen the same episodes countless times, and yet the third bridezilla complaining to the seamstress about the extra eighth of an inch that must be taken in doesn’t faze me. I don’t care how many times the Iron Chefs win in comparison to the challengers. I still watch it, and they deserve it.
What caught me off guard during my ritual was the preview of the new season of “Cake Boss,” where, in one episode, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi visits Carlo’s Bakery in hopes of having a specialty cake made. The segment shows Polizzi asking for “pumping fists” to branch out of the cake. Though I haven’t seen the episode, something hit a nerve about this particular clip. I thought I would be free of the horrors of bar fights and weight lifting until July 29, when the new season is scheduled to premier. But I kept thinking, was I just irritated with her abnormally large “gangsta” ball cap that she places ever-so-slightly on the top of her big head, probably concealing a towering “pouf,” or the faint memory of her gulping down pickles on national television? No, I realized that these meatheads are getting paid enough money that they will never have to work another day in their lives — provided that the seasons continue, of course — just by being obnoxious and “crispy.” They don’t even have a special talent, like singing or athleticism. They’re just partying at a beach.
TMZ reported that each cast member will be compensated equally to avoid fights between the cast members. It was confirmed that Vinny accepted the $10,000-per-episode contract for the second season of “Jersey Shore,” implying that the others will be handed the same amount.
The irking sensation led me to research the cost of a famous Buddy-designed specialty cake from Carlo’s Bakery. An average cake costs between $12 to $18 per person being served, equaling about $2,400 at the $12 minimum for an average wedding of 200 guests. You can only imagine the price tag for creating Snooki’s animated confection. Good thing one night of drinking for free at the bar covers the expenses of these reality stars. Look out, though. Their new contract might also confine them to the amount of paid appearances they can make outside the show. Members are fighting for an allowance of four per week. I mean, less than four nights a week of paid barhopping would be devastating, don’t you think?
If drinking doesn’t cover the costs, there are always other options. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s supposed new cologne, called “Sitch,” is scheduled to launch in a few months. Jenni “JWoWW” Farley also debuted her new clothing line, Filthy Couture, along with her new website.
Let’s not forget that, despite the ridiculousness of this whole situation — no pun intended — they are famous purely for being tanned and having a, let’s say interesting, sense of their heritage. MTV, it’s really cool to promote that beauty comes from going tanning every day. Just keep embracing the fact that one-in-five people will develop skin cancer in his lifetime. It’s an awesome idea to provide fame and luxury to individuals who promote these rituals, aside from all the other actions that are decently dangerous. I’m all for having a good time on the weekend and looking my best, but I don’t get paid 10 grand per episode to be pale and walk around Oakland in the summer with my friends.
The sad thing is, I actually understand why people watch it. The ridiculousness of these people makes me laugh hysterically. And don’t get me wrong, of course I would live on the beach to make that kind of money. All in all, I guess I just don’t get the attraction to having wrinkles in 10 years or beating the snot out of every partying girl who crosses my path. I’m not trying to get with every “gorilla” I see on campus. I have a large percentage of Italian in my background, yet I would never take pride in being called a “guidette.”
Obviously not bothered, the crew will continue the drama, bringing Angelina back and partaking in many more fights, among other entertaining occurrences. But go ahead Snooki — tan, pouf your hair and eat pickles. While the majority of us work a 9-to-5 job or take classes or even work 40-hour weeks for free as an intern this summer, you should just sleep all day and then wake up for a grueling night of appearances, for the title of “Guidette Queen” was your dream. Having a drinking game named after your group’s tendencies really is a lifetime achievement.
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