Trimble: Pickup line precautions

By Leah Trimble

A few days ago over breakfast, my roommate told me the following story: A guy came up to her… A few days ago over breakfast, my roommate told me the following story: A guy came up to her while she was out and leaned in with this flirty, trying-to-be-sexy voice to say, “Wow, you really look like Britney Spears. You really do.”

Although pinpointing the similarities between celebrities and “normal” people has become a guilty pleasure in modern society, she made it clear to distinguish the two, adding that he approached her the same way later in the evening, all while giving her a seductive smile. I never found out if she would’ve been attracted to him otherwise, but the thought of him referring to her as the emotionally unstable pop singer was a deal-breaker for her, especially after the second try.

It wasn’t long before I stopped her to say that I had won the award for worst pickup line that previous night.

A kid visiting from one of our top rival schools started off with “You lookin’ sexy with that heart on your necklace. I mean, I’m throwin’ you shots, and you hittin’ homeruns, baby.”

Is this what happens when you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere for so long? Unfortunately, this monstrosity didn’t end here. After a couple hours of mingling, he came up to me again, and after a bit of small talk, walked behind me and leaned in to whisper, “Have you ever had a big d*ck in your a**?”

Are you freakin’ kidding me? I immediately walked away, not sure if I should laugh or slap him in the face. Do people actually have the courage to say these things to strangers? If so, I might never date again. Seriously, I will not accept one dinner invitation.

I must admit for the sake of men everywhere, this guy had the absolute worst lines that I’ve ever heard, and most of you don’t even come close to this. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much disrespect for a dude. If I were one of his friends, I’d definitely throw him a swift punch in the jaw for representing the male population so badly. These are the idiotic things that make women think that every man is a raging d-bag.

It works both ways. I am furious when a girl shuts down a completely respectable prospect just because he’s an inch too short.

There’s also the girl I knew who called one of my best friends around thirty times — right before banging on every door and window of his house — because he went to the bar and didn’t answer her calls. They weren’t even together! Those are two primary examples of reasons for men to call all girls either shallow or psycho. Acts like these are injustices coming from both men and women.

Bad manners and distaste aren’t just a meet-and-greet affair. A bad introduction leads to an even worse date.

About a month ago, a guy who I met at a party asked me out on a date. I forgot to save his number in my phone (not purposely!) and when he texted me, I had no idea who the heck he was. But I went along with it anyway, despite the odd texts and even weirder invitation to dinner.

As soon as I walked up to him, he hugged me so hard that he lifted me into the air. He then proceeded to tell me how much he missed me — keep in mind I met him once. As soon as we got our menus, he told me exactly what I should order. Less than a minute later, he told me that if I couldn’t choose myself, he would order for me. Thanks for the suggestions buddy, but I think I am capable of picking a meal. Maybe it would have been different three months into a relationship, joking around and trying to be chivalrous.

He then cut two pieces of bread for us and buttered them, only to drop one slab of butter onto the table, pick it up with his fingers and put it back onto the bread, displaying his abnormally long, wizard-like fingernails. This pet peeve might only belong to me, but I beg of you: Men, if your nails are longer than your date’s, it’s time to invest in some clippers.

As I secretly cringed at this, he began to scratch his nose, leaving a small bit of butter on the tip. I refrained from exposing this minor detail to him, keeping myself amused for the rest of the evening. Note: Now I know that this is an extremely mean thing to do, but this column cannot begin to show the extent of how bad this experience was for me.

Anyway, after asking the waitress which refills were free of charge, he, talking non-stop and slurping his soup so loudly that the mother at the next table was compelled to teach her child how to eat soup properly, finally asked the waitress to bring our check. When I asked him how much I owed, he looked over the bill and said, “Twenty is good.” Then, he looked up at me again: “Actually, it’s more like twenty-five.”

We had our checks split. I paid. And once he walked me to my car, I slipped in and drove away as fast as I could.

I learned my lesson. Bad pickup lines are not only annoying, but they foreshadow what’s to come. We’ve all been victim to these bad experiences. Maybe we just need a reminder from time to time that everyone deserves decency when it comes to dating.

E-mail Leah at [email protected]