Sex Edition: Snuggle-sutra

When you say you slept with someone, it implies that you boned him or her. Excuse me, made… When you say you slept with someone, it implies that you boned him or her. Excuse me, made bone to them. But after the games, a lot of people actually spend the night together. The different ways people literally sleep together can reveal a lot about them. Here are some after-sex positions:

The Sheriff

In this position, the man sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door. This is to pre-empt any unwanted visitors in the night. If someone comes in, the man is in a better position to protect the woman. He tells the intruder, “Not in my town.” While it represents the final remnants of chivalry in an increasingly self-centered culture, some could regard this position as chauvinistic — author’s note: If you are sleeping with Sigourney Weaver, you might want to switch sides.

Operation: Opossum Lurch

Sometimes referred to as The Stratego, this position happens when one sleeping partner slowly takes up more and more of the bed throughout the night. Their nocturnal advances eventually result in their conquering the entire bed while the other partner teeters on the edge, often curled in the fetal position. Generally, the canoodler is simply trying to cuddle closer. This is a game of inches.

However, this innocuous ground assault can easily be remedied with a counter-maneuver called The Typewriter. If you encounter Operation: Opossum Lurch, wake up when your partner has advanced far enough and then reset them to their initial position on the other side of the bed. Repeat as necessary.

The Missionary

As opposed to the sex position, The Missionary is a sleeping position that has a couple sleeping in separate beds. The Missionary is most common among loveless couples who refuse to get a divorce. They annoy each other with passive-aggressive behavior, remove all pleasure from their worlds and hope that the other will become so miserable that they will leave.

However, neither does because it would upset God. Both eventually give up and surrender to living as roommates. Eventually, one partner cheats — adultery is more acceptable than divorce — because, hey, they have needs, too. Blood still pumps through their veins.

The Tablespoon

This traditional position is favored by affectionate couples. In The Tablespoon, the man wraps his arms around the woman. Like The Sheriff, it implies some sense of protection, with an undercurrent of romanticism — pretty straightforward stuff.

The Teaspoon

This is a reversal of the last position in which the woman swaddles her petite man in just the cutest way. He’s so adorable, yes he is. She snuggles up to his precious frame, delicately stroking his silky, flaxen locks while he purrs himself to sleep. Good night, sweet prince. You’ve got a big day ahead of you.

The Amputee

The spooning process has its risks. The Amputee happens when the spooner wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks he has lost an arm. When an arm is curled beneath someone, its blood flow can get cut off, causing the arm to fall asleep. With the spooner unconscious, the usual pins and needles pass by.

The spooner doesn’t wake up until the arm is without feeling entirely. At this point, the spooner must use their other arm for desperate succor. The functioning arm grabs the sleeping appendage and hoists it into the air, flailing the limb in a pitiful cry for sensory perception. It is a horrifying, graceless procedure. Hopefully it is too dark for your partner to see the shame on your face.

Shelob’s Web

Other dangers with limb misplacement appear in Shelob’s Web. This position results when bunkmates tangle their appendages in a twisted mockery of comfort. There are two reasons for this. The partners — lovebugs, really — genuinely cannot get close enough to each other, so they link legs and knot their arms tightly. Or, the sleepers might have gotten too drunk and passed out before their pants came off. They fell asleep mid-grope, with their bodies still kinked in whatever bawdy act they thought was a good idea at the time.

The Cuckold

Here, the man sleeps alone. His adulterous wife is out at a strobe-lit oxygen bar sweating all over some young stallion who resembles Michael Phelps. For The Cuckold, the man doesn’t necessarily sleep in his bed. He may substitute a couch, so long as he passes out with his Xbox 360 running and an open container of sour cream and onion dip on the floor.

The Captain Willard

This position is reserved for Vietnam veterans or other militaries who are haunted by flashbacks every night. Their valor earned them commendations for awhile, but now they suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. They are constantly torn from sleep throughout the night, thinking they are still in a foxhole somewhere.

It can become dangerous for their partners. The affliction can be alleviated if the government seriously funded Tricare, the Department of Veteran Affairs and other veterans’ services.

Though apparently that money is better spent on Sen. Richard Shelby’s pork-barrel projects. They’re important enough for him to single-handedly hold hostage military promotions to national security posts, so why not military benefits, too? Keep fighting the good fight, senator! Let us know how you sleep at night.

Conclusion

The most important lesson here is to find a compatible sleeping partner. Warn your mate of your nocturnal idiosyncrasies, and try new positions to accommodate theirs.

Many of these positions are gender-neutral, and even the seemingly heterosexual positions can be applied to same-sex sleep. However, there is one big shortcoming.

All of these positions are built for only two sleepers. But we only have so much space, so here’s the deal. Find this article on pittnews.com, and add a comment detailing sleeping positions for three or more people.

The winner will get credibility for even knowing what that’s like.

Or e-mail Dave some new after-sex positions at drb34@pitt.edu.