Sex Edition: Defining the “date”

By Oliver Bateman

We, at the Moustache Club of America, know that you’re not comfortable with the term… We, at the Moustache Club of America, know that you’re not comfortable with the term “date.” That puts a lot of pressure on you. What about if we say we’re hanging out?

Okay, still too much pressure. Plus, hanging out sounds so 20th century. So let’s say we’re doing nothing. How does that sound?

Great. We’re glad you like that. So here we are, doing nothing. We love doing nothing with you. It’s so much fun.

Wait, so now you’re saying you like staying active? Going out and doing stuff? So do we! We love doing stuff, especially when we go out.

We hear you. There are definitely nights when it’s good to stay in. Sometimes we just like to curl up in our pajamas with a few good books. It’s a jungle out there and so forth.

No, we aren’t asking you to spend all of your time at our dirty, rathole of a place. We promise we’ll come up with interesting ideas for dates.

Yes, we know we agreed this wasn’t a date. But if we were dating, we would come up with interesting ideas for dates. Huh? You don’t want to date us? But you asked us to have coffee with you!

Oh, that makes sense. When a girl says that she wants to have coffee with you, she’s really trying to tell you that she doesn’t want to have coffee with you. She was just being nice.

Now let’s see if we understand: Right now we’re doing nothing, this isn’t a date and you didn’t want to go on it — even though you asked us to go.

That’s it, then? Good. Lucky for you, we’re a total doormat. We don’t have any feelings. We’re perfect to do nothing with and we won’t challenge you in any way. You matter, but we don’t. We’re just going to sit here and listen to you ramble about your doubts, hopes and dreams. We won’t even point out how contradictory they are. We’ll never try to turn this nothing into something.

So you want to tell us all about this awesome guy you’re looking for, who will love you with all of his heart, except that he’ll ignore you most of the time? How money won’t matter, but he’ll be really rich and buy you lots of expensive stuff? How he’ll be handsome, but not really, not enough that he’ll ever make you feel insecure about your looks and how you’ll always be able to outsmart him, even though he’s a genius?

Goodness, that sounds so wonderful. You go right ahead and tell us all about it. We know you don’t respect our opinions, but we’re glad that you’re talking to us. Right now, we can’t think of anything that’s better than nothing.

E-mail Oliver at [email protected]