As a college graduate, I am now far better than all of you reading this. And, as someone who survived four years spending most of their time between Fifth and Forbes, I would consider myself a Pitt expert. I’m like what the Pathfinders think they are. So, if you’re reeling from your first year at Pitt and wondering how you’re going to get through another six finals weeks, or if you’re a rising first-year trying to research your new home for the next four years, look no further. Here’s everything you need to know about Pitt in one silly little article.
Don’t get a meal plan
I’d say it’s a convenient solution, but it wasn’t convenient or a solution for me, as someone with food allergies who couldn’t eat anything at Pitt without getting quite sick. Beyond that, it’s so overpriced for the amount of product you actually get, and so many people end up trying to get food from the same 10 vendors at meal times that you end up waiting over an hour for Chick-fil-A or True Burger. I still desperately miss CrEATe, even though I had to eat a dressing-less salad like a brontosaurus to sustain myself for lunch every day because of my accursed allergies, but if you’re going to spend the ridiculous amount of money on a meal plan anyway, just use the money at any of the millions of equally mediocre restaurants on Forbes.
Pick a major in a job field you actually want to work in
I was talking to a friend recently who, when asked what she wants to do after graduating, said she wants to be one of those people who doesn’t use their degree. So why did her parents just spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on an education for her? Why did she do this for four entire years, as opposed to absolutely anything else? I heard someone else saying seriously that she only goes here for the parties, in which case, why did she pick Pitt over the thousands of better party schools? And still there are others that only have their majors because their parents said they couldn’t study what they wanted to so they’d be set up to have a real job. But if you don’t enjoy what you’re doing in life, are you really living?
Join the Cathy Club
As any aspiring doctor at Pitt will tell you, joining this elevated, mysterious society can really be the difference in getting into med school at Pitt or not. If you’re lacking in extracurriculars, joining this teamwork-based club that gives you hands-on experience in advanced work in the Cathedral will put you ahead of the competition. And even if you don’t have grad school aspirations, it’s just fun. Low time commitment, low stakes, and even though it is high-level work, pretty much anyone who tries to join is allowed in. It’s one of the most ancient and elite clubs at Pitt, so if you have some extra time, give it a try.
Be the weird roommate
It may sound antithetical — as you usually hear that you should try to get along with your dorm roommate — but hear me out. If you’re friends with your roommate, you’re expected to talk to them, hang out with them, be a shoulder to cry on, even if you’re busy with your own homework or emotions. But if your roommate finds you off-putting, all of this goes away. They need help with their homework or their partner or their outfit? They’re texting their own friends and leaving you out of it. They want to have an epic prank battle that will surely end with damaged property on the victim’s part? Again, their friend is stuck with them running over their laptop, not yours. And, best of all, if you’re strange to them, they won’t want to be around you. Which means, ding ding ding! You guessed it! More alone time in the room without them bothering you! So you can do all the creepy experiments on small animals you want. Or whatever normal people do when their roommate’s out.
Do all your homework at the last minute
You read that right. You read then write. You me pen light. All of these are examples of typos you might make if you spend hours and hours of your life every day doing your homework, which everyone knows leads to burnout and insanity. Instead, do what I, and billions of other Pitt students do each year — spend the least amount of time on an assignment as possible by starting it an hour before it’s due. That way, it only takes an hour to do. Take this article, for example. I started writing this five minutes ago, and now you’re reading it. It’s that simple. And if it takes you longer than an hour to do, get faster. Literally just be better. That’s not my problem. My problem is what to do with all this free time now that school is done forever. Should I self-actualize? Should I self-sabotage? Should I start a band? Should I break up every band so that my band can be the top band in the world? If you see Licking Legumes start to headline, don’t tell anyone what you know. Or else.
After writing such incredible advice, I find I have grown quite weary. I’m gonna go take a nap and then start planning my manifesto. If asked about that, see above — i.e., don’t tell or else. I leave you with this — we’re better than Carlow, Duquesne, CMU, Chatham, CCAC, Point Park, Robert Morris, Slippery Rock and every other college in and out of Pittsburgh, because we have you. And because we just are. So lock in, and devour, and leave no crumbs, or the mice I gave human brains and torsos will find you. You got this, champ!
Alaina McCall writes things. Sometimes weird things, sometimes funny things. Usually both. If you enjoyed their time at The Pitt News as much as they did, let them know by emailing them at [email protected]