Well, everyone has to have a hobby. Mom says you gotta love something or else your heart’ll just stop and then we gotta bury you. I tried collecting stamps, but they’re only cool if you have a lot of them, and I only had two, so I gave up. Same thing happened with coins and buttons and baseball cards and action figures and stuffed animals and friends.

In the other room, Mom’s saying “CNN voted this model the best upright cleaner of 2025: Shark’s Rotator Professional Lift-Away Bagless Corded HEPA Filter Upright Vacuum for All Floors. Let’s talk about the features,” but she’s not talking to me. She’s a “uumfluencer,” which means she pretends to collect vacuums, but secretly she’s collecting followers.

Anyway, I guess you don’t have a hobby either. You’re just a vacuum cover, a little stuffed old lady sitting over an ancient Eureka PowerSpeed Vacuum. You’ve got a white apron and a smile made of black thread and floppy fake glasses. Oh, maybe your hobby is cheering up the living room! Lucky, I wish I thought of doing that.

“This is an upright vacuum, which means the dust canister is near the bottom, not to be confused with a stick vacuum, where the canister is smaller and near the top, or a free canister vacuum, where the canister is on wheels and connected to the wand by a hose. Remember we looked at the Miele Classic C1 Turbo Team Bagged Free Canister Vacuum yesterday.”

Don’t listen to her, you’ll fall asleep. I don’t know why people watch her livestreams, but I guess it’s just their hobby. They don’t want their hearts to stop. Here, let me turn you around, that one’s the Miele Classic. See him? The blue one next to the Dyson V10 and the Dyson V11. Have you ever seen this side of the room? The wall used to be off-white, but then Mom had some guy come paint it and now it’s off-blue. You’ve probably never seen most of the house, huh? I’ll show you.

“Now, the Shark Lift-Away is bagless, which can cause fine dust particles to enter the airstream and irritate your lungs when you empty the dust trap. However, it does have HEPA — that’s High Efficiency Particulate Arresting filtration via randomly arranged polypropylene or fiberglass fibers, which send the air through a little maze that shakes the dust off.”

Here’s the kitchen; ignore all the CleanSlates and MaxLifes and WindTunnels and SmartWashes, Mom just likes to keep all the Hoovers in one place. Look, here’s a jam jar I painted in fourth grade. I gave it to her because I thought we could start collecting jars, but we never did, so we only have this one. I don’t know why she keeps it. A million jars would be cool, but just one is pretty lousy.

“Thank you for the donation PneumaticLover9, and that’s a great question. The best filtration system is cyclonic. Inside the canister, air streams collide to form basically a little tornado, which centrifugally sends all the dust to the edges, where it falls into the dust trap and the clean air can be released as exhaust. Cyclonic canisters can be a bit heavier, so they work best on free canister models.”

Let’s go up to my room, I’ll hold the railing. Mom says another reason we have to bury people is ’cause they’re not careful on the stairs. We have 14 steps in our staircase, but I don’t think you can collect steps. I only have two vacuums in my room, a decorative SEBO-FELIX Premium Upright and a little Roborock Q5 Max. Don’t get jealous, though, they’re not cool like you. Look at my bed, it’s shaped like a racecar!

“That was the genius of the Hoover Constellation model introduced in 1954; it shot the exhaust air out of the bottom of the free canister to make the whole thing hover over the ground like an air hockey puck — no wheels, no friction! It worked on carpet and hardwood, but the problem was on bare floors the exhaust air would blow all the dust around, which made them pretty useless. They were discontinued in ’75. We can look at one on a future livestream; let’s make that a channel donation goal.”

I’ve got a blue fleece blanket and a blue sheet and a big puffy blue duvet with little yellow stars on it. Maybe my hobby can be collecting blankets, that’s three already! Imagine I had a hundred, then every night I could bury myself under them. They’d go all the way up to the ceiling with me buried underneath, and I’d sleep like the dead, all night and all day. You wouldn’t get lonely without me, would you?