Congratulations Rio de Janeiro, you’ve been selected by the International Olympic Committee to… Congratulations Rio de Janeiro, you’ve been selected by the International Olympic Committee to host the 2016 Summer Olympics.

You’re the first city in South America to host the games, which can be quite overwhelming. It certainly doesn’t make it any easier that we Americans, your brothers and sisters to the north, haven’t even said, “Way to go buddy!”

Instead, we’re wondering why the committee overlooked our wonderful city of Chicago. We’re just a little bitter because we sent the Obamas to Copenhagen to plead Chicago’s case, and somehow we still didn’t get the games. Do they know Michelle’s on our $38 bill? (Note: I’m from the future.)

What people might not realize, Rio, is you’ve got two things going for you. You’ve got me to help you plan everything and a little less than seven years to put those plans into action. Let’s go!

First off, it seems everyone is making a big deal about all the crime in your area. It’s true, last year you had a homicide rate of 33 per 100,000 people, higher than other cities in the running for the games — Chicago (18), Madrid (2) and Tokyo (1). And you have a pretty bad problem with drug trafficking, specifically cocaine. Plus there’s the whole issue with shootouts frequently interrupting people trying to go about their everyday lives.

Well, Rio, it’s crazy to suggest ridding your country of all guns. How would the runners know when to start? One easy thing to do for starters is round up all the gang members, drug traffickers and general bad folks and isolate them. Did you guys down there see “District 9”? Do that.

Also, early reports say you have a $14-billion budget for the games, and a part of that will go toward security and bringing in extra police officers. You need to make sure all the cops are on their best behavior. Not to say cops in Rio aren’t normally, but a report by the U.N. last year said police are responsible for one-in-five deaths in Brazil. Give all the cops a stern talking to and tell them no violence. Well, unless they decide the large crowd watching synchronized swimming is an unlawful gathering, in which case tally-ho!

Putting on an Olympics is a struggle, and many locals will complain about numerous things while you’re trying to set up, but don’t let it get you down. Every so often just stop worrying and take everything in. It’s a tremendous honor to host the games, and an even bigger honor since you’re hosting the last ever Olympics.

At least that’s what Tokyo Gov. Shintaro Ishihara thinks. Before the site of the 2016 games was announced, Ishihara told reporters, “It could be that the 2016 Games are the last Olympics in the history of mankind. Global warming is getting worse. We have to come up with measures without which Olympic Games could not last long.”

It’s worth noting Tokyo was also a finalist to get the games, and this whole thing could’ve been some weird ploy to get the Olympics to Japan.

Rio, Ishihara wants a green Olympics, so we’ll give him one. No showers or baths in Olympic village, where the athletes stay. You’re going to have multiple Olympic-sized swimming pools, so athletes can bathe and do laundry in those. All running events will be done on treadmills that power all buildings in use. They’ll just have to be elongated treadmills so you can toss a hurdle on there every few seconds, and the last runner to trip gets the gold.

You’re also going to get good practice when Brazil hosts the 2014 World Cup, and some games are played in Rio. The best thing you could do is screw up. That’s right Rio, purposely ruin the World Cup, thus lowering the expectations for the Olympics. Report that eight people died in the stands during games, even if no more than three actually do. Freeze the field and hand out hockey sticks to all the players before the matches. Mix up all the national anthems. If there’s one way to blow people’s minds with excellence, it’s to make them think you’re incapable of mediocrity.

Together, Rio, you and I can put together a great Olympic games, whether they’re the last one ever or not. For one final piece of advice, I’d like to quote someone you’re probably familiar with, famous Brazilian writer Joaquim Maria Machado de Assis : “Ao vencedor, as batatas.”