New names, different meanings

Some people don’t think names are important. Some people actually believe that names are… Some people don’t think names are important. Some people actually believe that names are nothing more than arbitrary labels. Shakespeare’s Juliet once said of her middle school sweetheart Romeo, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other word would smell just as sweet.” But look at how she ended up: dead. So, for your own personal safety, you might want to continue reading and learn more about the importance of names.

One really cannot understand the importance of a name until someone tries to change it. Sure, the roses will smell just as good, but do you really want to tell someone “Hey, I bought you all these diapers for Valentine’s Day,” or, “Pick up a bouquet of feet on your way home”? It just doesn’t sound right. And it’s just as bad when other names we have gotten used to change, too.

Kentucky Fried Chicken, that magical wonderland of crispy strips and coleslaw, where cherubs cry gravy and unicorns swim in pools of macaroni and cheese, is trying to go healthy. But they couldn’t just create some lighter sides or smaller portions; they decided to destroy the scrumptious foundation that Colonel Harland Sanders built with his own bare hands, right after he single-handedly ended the Great Depression.

According to MSN Money, for the first time in over 50 years, KFC will be selling grilled chicken. It’s not even grilled chicken that they will later batter and fry. They are actually planning to serve it naked, vulnerable and alone in this cruel world.

This would be bad enough if it wasn’t for the extra twist that Yum Foods is putting on the knife in their customers’ stomachs. As part of this new promotion, they are planning on changing a number of storefront signs to Kentucky Grilled Chicken. KGC? Really? That sounds more like a Soviet security agency than a delicious haven of biscuits and buffalo sauce.

Another name change that is rocking the infrastructure of our country is going on out in Los Angeles. As reported by TMZ.com, music industry and Disney star Miley Cyrus has legally changed her name to, well, Miley Cyrus. As it turns out, her actual birth name was Destiny Hope Cyrus, but the young celebrity decided with her parents that it would be easier to legally switch to her more popular stage name.

I don’t know about you guys, but this really cleared things up from me. The fewer names you use for one thing, the easier it is to keep track of it. With Destiny Hope out of the picture, this cuts the list of Miley’s names down to only three, including her false persona Hannah Montana and, my personal favorite, That Girl My Neighbor is Counting Down to Her 18th Birthday For. Oh, TGMNiCDtH18BF, we barely knew you.

And, since we can all relate to running fast and signing billion dollar endorsement deals, organized sports are once again acting as a metaphor for life. This name-changing phenomenon has infected the otherwise clean world of athletics. I’m not talking about the Tampa Bay Devil Rays exorcising the Devil out of their name. I’m not even talking about the Tribune Company feeling for deals to sell the naming rights of Wrigley Field, the 94-year-old legendary home of the Chicago Cubs.

No, I’m talking about something even more ridiculous, something that typifies our societies’ newfound apathy toward name solidarity. In 1995, the Boston Celtics left the famed Boston Garden for a state-of-the-art facility called the FleetCenter. This was fine and all, until Fleet Bank was bought by TD Banknorth. Since Fleet didn’t exist anymore, they were forced to change the name to TD Banknorth Garden, with the “Garden” part a supposed tribute to the old historic arena.

The only problem is, it seems as if the banking world is just about as stable as a freshman walking home on a Saturday night. TD Banknorth is now purchasing Commerce Bancorp for $ 9 billion and changing its name to TD Commerce Bank, meaning the name of the arena will have to change again. This might not seem like a big deal, but it is. How is Kevin Garnett supposed to lead the Celtics to a sweep over the Lakers in the NBA finals if he doesn’t even know the name of his place of work? Even MVPs need name-stability in their lives.

Sometimes name changes make sense. Lew Alcindor sounds like a classical violin player, but Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sounds like one of the greatest basketball players and actors of all time. Sometimes, however they don’t. Cat Stevens sounds like a singer-songwriter, while Yusuf Islam sounds like, well, I don’t even know.

I think people should just stick to the names they got. Life is confusing enough. We don’t need people running around in anarchy, calling things whatever names they please. We need structure. We need rules. We need to wake up and smell the feet.

E-mail Sam at Seg23@pitt.edu to wish him a happy 22nd.