April Fools: Students rave over new burgerless burger at Market Central

By Furgie Furg / Staff Writer

Editor’s Note: This is a satirical story.

The line stretches through Market Central from Tutto Fresco to the door. Vegans and meat eaters alike cannot get enough of the chef’s newest creation: the burgerless burger.

After many months of meetings with dissatisfied vegan diners, Sodexo staff knew something needed to be changed. The answer was the burgerless burger, a vegan and gluten-free rice bun flavored with black pepper and applewood liquid smoke to make what sophomore Amanda Walle calls a “truly divine creation.”

While diners can decorate the burgerless burger with veggie toppings of their choice, Chef Tim, the gluten-free mogul of Market, said most students have been eating just the bun.

Mike Johns, a junior math major, adheres to a vegan diet and raved about the new offering.

“The texture is a whole new dynamic. And the taste is just — you bite into it, and wham! It’s a flavor explosion. I can taste red pepper flakes, cumin and smoky goodness,” Johns said.

The burgerless burger has been so popular that many students have forgotten that they would usually eat a chicken patty every day. 

For freshman Emalee Bak, the burgerless burger has become her staple.

“I usually ate a chicken or a turkey sandwich at Market every day. But now my life has been utterly changed. The burgerless burger is a revolution that has brought better conditions to the tastebuds of Pitt students everywhere,” Bak said.

Sodexo staff members were concerned that the new offering might fail, similar to the tofu crab cake dinner that the dining service had pushed for in the past. But expectations have been met and surpassed with the burgerless burger. 

The kitchen team specially formulated a bun for the burger, and they have had trouble keeping enough in stock. The minute employees place a plate of burger under the hot light, another hungry student from the line of burgerless burger devotees snatches it up.

Longtime vegan and sophomore rehabilitation science major Tammy Wilkins praised the chefs for this boon to vegan diners everywhere.

“Finally, there is something incredible in Market for me to eat. The burgerless burger — with or without toppings — is a flavor explosion. The fact that it’s gluten free is a plus, too. I’m thrilled that Sodexo has heard the vegetarian community and answered perfectly,” Wilkins said.

Wilkins also described how she prefers her burgerless burger.

“I love it with tons of greens, alfalfa, spinach, lettuce and some radishes. Top it off with mustard, and it’s a world unto itself,” she added.

Sodexo noted that it hopes to expand this offering to other dining areas across campus. There is also hope for a location-specific beefless beef taco offering at the Taco Bell in the William Pitt Union.