Cellfie
President Recep Tayyip Erdogan of Turkey just gave Bilgin Ciftci nearly three months to defend one of the world’s hardest legal claims: Is Gollum a bad character? The trial, which is adjourned until Feb. 23, began when Ciftci caught Erdogan on his bad side after juxtaposing pictures of Erdogan and Gollum on social media. Erdogan has determined that Cifci shall not pass on two years in prison for insulting a state official. But the decision is based on whether a committee made up of psychologists and movie experts decide that Gollum is a precious character, or a dead ringer for a villain. We’re a bit suspicious of Ciftci’s good intentions. After all, one does not simply use a picture of Gollum when discussing a president.
Irregularly shaped bulges
On Tuesday, Canadian border control officials were shell shocked to find 51 live turtles taped to Kai Xu’s body. Assistant U.S. Attorney Sara Woodward snapped when she realized that Xu was exporting the turtles from the United States and smuggling them into China to sell at a higher price. Apparently a summer 2014 bust didn’t slow Xu’s criminal crawl — but he’ll probably feel boxed-in in the cell officials have waiting for him. In his defense, Xu just wanted to join the turtle club. For future exporting excursions, we recommend that Xu ditch his sweats for some cargo pants.
Yolked up
On Monday, deputies scrambled Jennifer Terry’s plans when they arrested her for an Aug. 20, mother-daughter venture. The egg-citing event consisted of Terry driving her daughter and several teens around Weber County, Utah, as they threw eggs at various properties. Homeowners weren’t quite as eggstatic, citing several thousand dollars in damages. Terry confessed to the eggings, and wasn’t yolking when she said, “She simply did not care,” in a criminal report. While she may have given college students an excuse to not care about finals, Terry is hoping the case blows over-easy.
Haunted in South Dakota
This Christmas, give your sweetheart what they’ve never wanted — a whole South Dakota town. Swett, South Dakota is currently selling for $250,000 — a dream come true for anyone who’s ever wanted to be a mayor, police chief, and, well, everything else. First things first — buy the property, then change the name. The sole home in the town is reputably haunted, though we were unable to reach someone to confirm whether Swett was a ghost town, or just another town in South Dakota. So has it always been your dream to move to South Dakota? Probably not. But is the deal too good to pass up?
Kanye for railroad conductor
Once Mark Kilner’s petition to rename the Canterbury West railway station to the Kanye West Station went viral, the movement got harder, better, faster, stronger. Though Kilner registered the petition a little late, he’s managed to accumulate more than 1,000 signatures. The movement may be FourFiveSeconds from transforming the station — people are pleading for officials to not be heartless. Regardless, Kilner is not planning on giving up on his beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy.