A Berning sensation
Customers of the Aartistic Inc. tattoo shop are feeling more than one kind of Bern. The Vermont shop’s owner, Tyre Duvernay, is offering patrons a free tattoo of presidential candidate and Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders’ head. Duvernay told his local ABC station that when he saw another shop offering free Donald Trump tattoos, he began advertising free cover-ups of them. That eventually grew into the new venture, which is sure to satisfy the legions of millennials who fear that their Sanders laptop stickers don’t do enough to mobilize voters.
A 19-year-old in Nepal had even more lead in his system this week than our country’s water system. Raja Thapa has broken a world record by fitting 138 pencils into his mouth at once, shattering the previous record of 98 and revealing that the hardest task in Nepal is not, in fact, climbing Mount Everest. In related news, Pitt officials have not confirmed rumors that next year’s convocation record-breaking will involve having the most people do the Whip and Nae Nae while holding selfie sticks with their teeth.
Where’s the crunch?
Nestlé, makers of Kit Kat, are facing a lawsuit for selling one of the candy bars without a crunchy center. The victim of the not-so-sweet surprise was Saima Ahmad, a 20-year-old law student living in London. After Ahmad’s bar exam ended in disappointment, she decided to take action — her lawsuit demands the company compensate her with a lifetime supply of Kit Kats to make up for her “monetary and emotional” loss. While Nestlé would likely prefer to wrap the matter up quickly, Ahmad has pledged to not waifer from her position.
During a normal patrol last Saturday, a British police officer encountered a whole new type of siren. Police Community Support Officer Mike Ober noticed a propped-open door and an empty parking lot at a social club, and he decided to investigate. But while Ober checked out the scene, the occupants were checking him out. The club was actually hosting a 50th birthday party, and partygoers confused Ober with a “stripogram” they had ordered for the birthday girl. Ober says he “beat a hasty retreat” and even passed the real stripper on his way out.
Best supporting actor
A pair of friends have accomplished the dream of children everywhere. Two men disguised as one obese person successfully tricked a movie theater into giving them only one ticket. One of the men wrapped his legs around the waist of the other, pretending to be his friend’s belly and various folds. It remains unclear whether the disguise cost more money than the ticket they saved, but it’s really the principle that counts. The Pitt News has no snark to offer these men, only applause.