Editorial: Casual Fridays

Mad hair day

A Japanese man who holds 3,300 patents has created something that easily trumps the rest of his work. Yoshiro Nakamatsu announced the “Guard Wig” during a press conference Saturday. The wigs are modeled after presidential candidate Donald Trump and features metal plating with a cord coiled inside. Users can hold the cord and fling the rest of the wig at anyone who needs toupee for a crime. It is rumored that the only effective defense is an $8 billion wall, but the wig does not protect customers from hosting racist, sexist ideas in their heads.

Should’ve ducked

A murder most fowl has struck the English village of Sandon, Essex. For the past 11 years, a goose has occupied the town pond and was so beloved by the villagers that it appeared on the town’s welcome sign. But that came to an end on Sunday, when two men allegedly killed the goose in a drive-by shooting during the middle of the day. It is unclear how the goose became caught up in this web of crime, but community members have said the animal was known to stick its neck out for neighbors. The village will remember the goose fondly for the fun times it pooped on lawns, stole bread and wandered into oncoming traffic.

Pinned for a sweet

What would you do for an Oreo? A four-year-old Australian boy was pinned for a sweet when he reached his arm down under a vending machine door and got caught by an anti-theft mechanism. This was apparently the boy’s first time seeing a vending machine,and he was enticed by the sweet, suspended treats. The boy was stuck in the machine for six hours after attempts to cut the machine open made him cry so hysterically that authorities had to stop. It is unclear whether the child ever got his snack or if the vending machine will face criminal charges.

Hot pink wheels

Police in San Jacinto County, Texas, arrested David Schumaker for credit card theft on Wednesday, concluding a dangerous 10 mph chase. Law enforcement was tipped off when someone reported a grown man driving a pink, toy car version of a Cadillac Escalade down the street. Schumaker was on his way to refill the juicee juice in his car’s battery when police realized that he was wanted for stealing a woman’s credit card. There’s no word on whether he had to provide license and registration or if the name his mother lovingly wrote on his bagged lunch that morning was sufficient.

911 Horn

While taking photos with children during a birthday party, a pony dressed as a unicorn did the only rational thing: run away as fast as possible. The mystical animal, named Juliet, led police on a four-hour chase through the suburbs of Fresno, California, before helicopters found her by using a helicopter with infrared cameras. “I was standing with the CHP at the time and a call came over the radio that said the unicorn is in custody,” Juliet’s owner told KMPH News. Luckily, no silver blood was shed during the incident.