Tall order: Pitt adds another Starbucks on top of Cathedral

By Matt Maielli | Staff Writer

The University announced plans Thursday morning to construct a new Starbucks franchise on the top floor of the Cathedral of Learning.

This will be the 20th Starbucks within a square mile of the University campus, including campus-affiliated and non-affiliated local chains. Construction will begin for the new establishment Monday.

University spokesperson John Fedele expressed his excitement at “this wonderful opportunity,” though it was hard to hear him over the dings of raucous cashiers’ registers coming from every direction.

The new store will offer all drinks and variations that exist at a regular Starbucks, but it will be out of whatever special order you want, especially when you are in a hurry.

“We’ve been sitting on this idea for a while,” Starbucks’ East Coast President Carl Mel Americano said. “We just want to make sure that the students and faculty have access to our product at all times and conveniences.”

The University Honors College, which takes up the 35th and 36th floors of the Cathedral, heavily advocated for the location. Despite offering students free coffee, honors students rare trips off of the 35th and 36th floors are usually mindless journeys to get coffee elsewhere.

“I mean, we have to leave [the Honors College floors] sometime,” said Honors student Danah Hower. “But since we’re studying all the time, why would we leave for anything but coffee? Sometimes the brew up here gets a little boring.”

The new location on the very top floor provides the ambitious students with more reliable and swift access to study fuel so they can return to their studies as quickly as possible.

“I’ve been waiting for a Starbucks closer to the Honors lounge since last year,” Sophomore Mark Iato, an astrology and caffeine studies double-major who joined the Honors’ Society last year, said.

This location, the Cathedral’s second in addition to its ground floor station, will also feature a hot tub, loanable textbooks and a table permanently reserved just in case a minor celebrity, such as Miranda Cosgrove, happens to show up.

Students are excited for the addition, but many questioned why it took so long.

“I’m so glad that the University has finally decided to listen to the voices of the students,” Iato, said. “It’s about time, you know? There just aren’t enough chain coffee shops in Oakland.”

This is a satirical story, part of The Pitt News’ annual April Fool’s edition. 

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