Desperate times call for a new and improved reinvention for Pitt.

On March 24, Chancellor Patrick Gallagher announced the state budget crisis is finally resolved. After the nine-month budget impasse, students deserve to see their tuition money go toward addressing deep insufficiencies in student life provisions.

Pitt should immediately begin work on a lazy river channeling from the Petersen Events Center to the Cathedral of Learning, a state of the art outdoor drive-in theater in Schenley Park, a disco dance floor in Towers Lobby and a Jacuzzi Room in the Hillman Library. There is absolutely nothing we need more.

We need to stress the importance of making college a positive academic experience. We need innovation, we need growth and we need to strive for excellence in building an institution that is evolving with the times. These projects will ensure an environment that is comfortable, enjoyable and suitable for learning.

Most of the people whose comments I chose to include were positive about my proposals.

Emily Snyder, a student from outside of Philadelphia, was satisfied that the lazy river would reduce her walk time to class. “It takes me about 20 minutes to walk from Panther Hall to the Cathedral on a good day. Now I can focus on my studies more by splitting that time in half.”

Other students seemed unsure of the changes, claiming that the Jacuzzi Room in Hillman may not be the most conducive place to study given the technology and electronics needed to do so.

“I don’t see why they would decide to put a Jacuzzi Room in the library when students would benefit more from having one in every lounge in Towers. I just don’t get it,” said sophomore biology major Lucy Caldwell.

Pitt faculty members I spoke with were initially skeptical, but they ultimately gave in after an undisclosed agreement between myself and their bank accounts.

“I mean, sure, we may not have had a raise in 47 years, but the students promise me that this is what is the best way for Pitt to remain among the top 237 colleges of the U.S. Flintstone Review,” said Jack Davidson, an undeclared professor. “Texas Tech and Louisiana State both have lazy rivers and they’re doing fine, so I guess someone likes them.”

In our defense, these investments will provide benefits that last longer than individual people. Professors come and go — jacuzzis live forever.

My only issue with it is that I will be gone before seeing our rejuvenated campus. The most exciting addition I have witnessed thus far is the new elevators in the Cathedral — and even those still take forever to open. That was probably because the plan wasn’t thought out too well. Mine doesn’t have that problem.

Funding will not be a problem once these expansions are officially presented to state legislators. We are doing everything we can to increase state appropriations for our school. These proposals will be sure to convince lawmakers that we are simply the best research institution in the state. After all, many them helped pioneer the original disco dance floor and drive-ins.

Students need an all-inclusive college experience that works for everyone. How can anyone cram for their Blender Studies exam if they are bored to death in a musty old dorm? This is about putting the needs of the students first.

This is not just an upgrade, it’s a transformation.

It’s time to revolutionize the way we approach education. If it wants to show a true commitment to improving student lives, the University must take these proposals into consideration for the 2016-2017 academic school year.

A quality education calls for relaxation representation.

Kirsten Wong primarily writes on social justice issues and education for The Pitt News.

Write to her at [email protected]

This is a satirical story, part of The Pitt News’ annual April Fool’s edition.