It’s not even my birthday

In Kelso, Wash., a man was arrested for eating someone else’s birthday cake. Robert Fredrickson was present in the Cowlitz County Courthouse when a woman brought a box, containing the cake for her daughter’s birthday the following day, into the building with her and placed it on a table. Fredrickson then opened the box and began eating the cake. He was stopped by a deputy who witnessed the act. When the deputy turned his back, the man attacked the cake again, this time resulting in a scuffle between Fredrickson and police officers. Fredrickson was arrested on charges of third-degree theft and resisting arrest. Even so, we say let him eat cake.

The Force is strong with this one

“Star Wars” fans rejoice: Physicists at Harvard and MIT stated that they have figured out how to create a real lightsaber. Through experimentation, the team figured out how to bind photons, or particles of light, together in a way that mimics the lightsabers seen in the movies. Now if only we could figure out the machinations of the Doctor’s Sonic Screwdriver.

Not Swan Lake

In Tanzania, a lake petrifies the bodies of animals that try to fly over it and fail. The water of Lake Natron is incredibly alkaline and salty as the result of a volcano located nearby, preventing any life from surviving in the lake except a type of bacteria that turns the lake water red. The lake’s water levels fluctuate, leaving the bodies of birds that fall into the lake on the shores in a petrified state. Perhaps the lake should be searched for signs of a basilisk infestation.

Un-funny business

In Arizona, a 911 dispatcher is being investigated for how she handled an emergency call. Lalo Delgado was traveling with his girlfriend when their car caught on fire, igniting his girlfriend, as well. Delgado alleges that the dispatcher who responded to his call laughed at him while he explained the situation. It is unknown whether or not the 911 operator was laughing at Delgado’s situation or something that was occurring on her end of the line, as she claims on the call recording. As of this time, the dispatcher is still employed and Delgado’s girlfriend is recovering. Hopefully the next fire Delgado is involved in will just be a case of burning love.

The other white meat

In Montana, it is now legal to take home roadkill for consumption. This decision came after residents argued that useful meat should not be wasted, even if the animal was killed by a vehicle. In our opinion, it is all part of the Republican Party’s plan to fight hunger in the United States.