Top 10: study tips for finals week

As finals week approaches, we are all figuring out ways to survive this dreadful time of year while also attempting to keep our fingers and toes from freezing in the first onslaught of winter’s fury. We’ve listed a few ways to cope with the inevitable process of emotional breakdowns, sleep deprivation and, of course, lack of hygiene. Forget the conventional wisdom you’ve learned from your peers and the internet — studying is an art we’ve mastered so you don’t have to. We don’t have any tips on staying warm though — you’re on your own for that.

1. Put a desk in your bathroom

Save precious time by putting a desk directly in your bathroom. Depending on your diet, you will be anywhere from 12 to 66 percent more productive. Drink a gallon of coffee

2. We don’t mean this metaphorically or in jest. Don’t waste your precious time and energy buying or making several cups of coffee when we all know the end result is just another caffeine-induced headrush that kicks in one hour before your final paper is due. Literally just drink one whole gallon of coffee before you start studying. You’ll practically be drowning in coffee!

3. Become a professor

This is a classic move for the Type-A folks out there. Study so much that you get your degree in that subject before your final next week. Now that you’re an expert on the same level as your professors, you can ace the exam and then spar with them over whether or not their doctoral thesis was a simmering crock of nonsense.

4. Become a hacker

Hone your skills on the “deep web” and pluck the answers right out of your professor’s laptop. Then, make Julian Assange proud by making a Pittleaks website for the rest of us. But if anyone asks, we had nothing to do with this plan and totally don’t endorse internet hacking — blame Russia.

5. Isolate yourself from society

Friends are nice and all, but it’s hard to get work done if you’re distracted. Find a secluded space in Hillman, or better yet, buy a plane ticket to Antarctica. Whether you’re in a tree house in the Amazon rainforest or hunkering down in an end-of-the-world bunker somewhere in the deep South, just make sure you’ve got a Wi-Fi connection so you can zip that paper over to your professor in time. And then, hey, you’re already on vacation!

6. Don’t chew your food

Turn all of your meals into smoothies. This study tip doubles as a dieting tip, because you can finally start that juice cleanse you’ve been reading about. Just remember: masticating rhymes with procrastinating.

7. Sit beside people who skipped class

They probably skipped so they could study more. That guy who hasn’t showed up since syllabus week? You definitely want him in your corner.

8. Take 32 naps at 15-minute intervals

Fall asleep while reading your notes and you might even have a dream about your biology exam. Don’t worry, you’ll still get all of your needed eight hours for the day.

9. Change your clothes, shower

Reward yourself for 18 hours of nose-to-the-grindstone hard work by hitting up the laundromat, or, at the very least, scrubbing down with the paper towels and soap in Hillman’s bathrooms. Put some deodorant in your bookbag, pack some extra socks, douse yourself in Febreze. Just, seriously, guy-who’s-been-sitting-in-the-same-seat-at-the-library-for-two-straight-days, you smell like sweat and Red Bull — do us all a favor.

10. Okay, here’s a hint:

Remember this because we’re only going to print it once: ACCDBBBAADCDABADCABCDDABDDCADCDBADACBBBDDACDABDABB