Top 10 Totally Achievable New Year Resolutions

10. Read more…

…pamphlets

Pamphlets: not as intimidating as 19th century English literature, more intellectually stimulating than children’s books or single-page flyers. Plus, they’re everywhere: doctor’s offices, dentist’s offices, stuffed in between bus seats. Reading at least five pamphlets a week is a completely achievable goal.

9. Maintain that beer gut you carefully crafted all of first semester

New year, same you. There’s nothing to be ashamed of — we all know the inescapable pull of College Night at Hofbrauhaus.

8. Start a cult

It sounds difficult, but getting people to believe nonsense is proving to be incredibly simple these days. Now’s the perfect time to start that cult you’ve been putting off creating. Be sure to give it a cool name, like “the Space Dragons” or “Scientology 2.0.”

7. Create a mixtape

Step One: come up with a cool name. Step Two: drop sick beats. Step Three: Profit.

6. Find yourself

Where are you? Look around — now’s the time to figure it out.

5. Cry more about insignificant life events

Accidentally step on a Lego? Break a nail? Spill milk? Cry about it. It will feel good, and you can finish the year feeling more in tune with your emotions.

4. Find Waldo

Ah, the task you’ve been putting off since childhood. This is the year, I can feel it.

3. Binge every television show

You’ve probably had enough people tell you what shows to watch. Get back at every single one of them by using 2017 to watch every show ever made.

2. Go to the gym more

You don’t have to actually do anything there — just visit every so often. Take a stroll around, chat with the security guard at the desk, check out your quads in one of the full-length mirrors while other people deadlift around you. By the end of the year, you’ll have a solid grasp on the layout of the place.

1. Plan your 2018 Resolution

It’s never too early to start planning. Besides, what you put off in 2017 you could do in 2018.