Top 10: Best of Oakland

Now that we know the best burgers, apps and places to do yoga in the city, we’d like to offer our favorite non-existent Best Of categories and our picks for the winners.

10. Best class to fall asleep in

Anything containing the word “introduction,” “foundations,” “beginning” or “101” is probably a good bet. Sorry we don’t have anything more specific — we fell asleep in our morning astrology class and forgot to do the research for this one. Hey wait, that’s a good one!

9. Best numbers to “call for a good time” found in Hillman bathroom stalls
   Here’s what they don’t tell you: Most of them are either bouncy castle rental warehouses or just that hotline that plays Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” on repeat. We checked.

8. Best streets to jaywalk across while texting with earbuds in during rush hour

The four-way intersection at Bigelow Boulevard and O’Hara Street is the best choice. Pay no attention to the walk signs, they’re not relevant — you run these streets.

7. Best safe spaces

The second floor of the O, the ground floor of Hillman, the embrace of a good friend, a nice burrito — sorry, we’re being told that none of these are safe spaces. Fake news!

6. Best Oakland basements where you can get pinkeye

There’s that one that’s filled with black lights, that other one that has Christmas lights year-round and a windowsill display of empty liquor bottles or the one that’s full of posters of muscle cars. Some are fraternity houses, but we can never remember which one is which, so we just try to recall them by their aesthetic.

5. Best places to break up

Even though your significant other is really great and your parents love them, you just don’t have the time to tell them it’s over. You’ll just have to do it somewhere convenient. Try to fit it in between your lunch break at Chipotle and your chemistry lecture.

4. Best telephone poles to hang signs about your band on

You’ll want one that already has a bunch of staples in it. That way, it’s statistically possible that there was at least one band that has made it big before you that has put a poster there. You’re totally going to make it, guys.

3. Best benches to sit on while you remember how much debt you’ve accrued

Any bench will do, honestly. The bench won’t get you a deferment or a better interest rate. But at least aim for one with a nice view — you deserve it.

2. Best trees to look at that remind you of the innocence of childhood

Remember your childhood tree? There’s probably one around here that looks just like it — the Cathedral lawn is full of them. Try to imagine them all with tire swings. Note to self: Attend next University budget meeting.

1. Best bathrooms to cry in

The Union’s ninth floor is usually quiet, but if you stay too long, the janitors will find you while they’re cleaning. Most of the time, they’ll ask you to leave, but one time, they cried with us for a bit. That was probably a one-time thing though.