Top 10: Pieces of Career Advice

10. Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.

You’re an accountant right now, but that’s not the dream. If you really want to be Batman, you better start acting — and looking — the part. That means full cape, mask and aggressively musky voice required.

9. Bring your own water cooler.

You’ll be the king or queen or non-gendered leader of gossip because everyone who wants water will have to go through you. So you’re the first one to learn about Dave’s affair with Monique even though Dave is married and his wife is expecting twins. And what can you do with all of this new gossip? You guessed it: emergency blackmail. In short, water is power.

8. Address your bosses as “Boss-man,” “Captain” or “Sire.”

Start this early in order to establish consistency, preferably right after you’ve aced the interview, during the handshake. One rule though: the last of these must be done with a British accent. Otherwise, it’s just weird.

7. Be sure to come in to work really sweaty.

You’ll get lots of attention for your appearance and stench. Bonus points if you breathe really heavily as you walk to your desk. And as you walk to the bathroom. And as you type. If people stare, just tell them you’re just, like, really into fitness.

6. When interviewing, get to the room before your interviewer and pretend to be them.

Break in if you have to — it’ll show initiative. “Oh, where do I see myself in a year? Doing your job.”

5. Answer any question you’re asked with a series of rhetorical questions.

Don’t be afraid to get philosophical. This will show that you’re a critical thinker and unafraid of the unknown. If they ask about your lack of experience, respond with, “What is ‘experience?’” Inquire about your previous job: “What is a ‘Jimmy Johns delivery person?’” The problematic blip on your background check: “Can we really define grand theft auto?” It works for everything.

4. Find a job you love so you’re not actually doing work.

We’re still trying to find someone who will pay us to drink wine and watch “How I Met Your Mother.” Let us know if you guys have any leads.

3. Don’t quit until you’ve told everyone to screw off.

Odds are, your major didn’t prepare you for your chosen career path anyway, so you won’t be sticking around the industry. Plus, letters of recommendation are overrated. Might as well burn those bridges. Disclaimer: but not literally.

2. Freestyle raps always go over well when people need a Tuesday pick-me-up.

But if you’re less of the creative type, your favorite Dr. Seuss book or passage of scripture can work in a pinch. We like to scream Shel Silverstein quotes at each other in the TPN office.

1. If they can’t find you, they can’t fire you.

Find a small place, squeeze yourself into it. It’s a rule. Simple physics, honestly.