Enough love to go around: polyamory in Pittsburgh

When traditional monogamy failed Jessica Saunders, she looked for something different.

When she realized that, for her, there is no perfect match between two people, Saunders turned instead to polyamory — the practice of being romantically or sexually involved in multiple relationships at a time. Polyamory, according to Saunders, allows the combination of several different relationships to meet all of a person’s needs.

Saunders, a sophomore planning to major in anthropology, is currently balancing three separate relationships. She said polyamory has allowed her bonds to develop organically, in contrast to past monogamous relationships, which she felt restricted her freedom to meet new people and partners.

Saunders has been openly polyamorous for about a year now, and said this alternative lifestyle lets her treat partners as individuals rather than property.

“I would never have considered it in the past, but a lot of people are becoming more open and willing to pursue it,” Saunders said. “Sometimes when you’re dating someone, nothing is wrong with that person, but their relationship style is just different from yours.”

For a growing number of young adults like Saunders, monogamous relationships are no longer the norm. Instead, polyamory can make for a more realistic and desirable situation. According to Saunders, polyamory allows for the freedom to connect emotionally to several people at once and not be limited by the sometimes tedious standards of monogamy.

There hasn’t been much research on polyamory, and although many people believe that monogamy is inherently better for a person’s health and happiness, an article in Psychology Today said that research hasn’t supported this belief.

There are no registered student organizations for polyamory at Pitt, but college communities have taken root at universities across the country. Polymorphic, a club at the University of Minnesota, brings education and awareness to polyamory and ethical non-monogamy through events, weekly discussions and as a support group for newcomers.  

Last spring, University of California, Berkeley, held a three-part discussion titled “Polyamory and Non-monogamy” that educated students about polyamorous identity.  Other schools such as University of Albany, Columbia University and Portland State University have also held panels, talks and workshops on the polyamorous lifestyle.

Outside of the university setting, there are pushes to normalize polyamory in American society. The TV show “You Me Her” aired its first season on Audience Network beginning in March and focuses on a married couple as they include an additional woman in their relationship. Audience Network renewed the series, which will begin its second season today.

In Pittsburgh, groups such as the Pittsburgh Alternative Relationship Group and Poly in Pittsburgh organize meetups for polyamorists and other like-minded individuals. The Pittsburgh Alternative Relationship Group has more than 500 members and has organized more than 200 meetups throughout the years.

Morgan, 31, who asked that her last name to be withheld, organizes meetups and events for Poly in Pittsburgh, which she said began a couple months ago and has about 180 members.

“When I came out as polyamorous, I was surprised by how many people I know actually were polyamorous as well,” Morgan said. “Pittsburgh is a real friendly town, so it’s a good place to express that relationship option.”

According to Morgan, many people outside of the polyamory community think of it as “swinging” — when two committed partners openly engage in recreational sexual activity outside of the partnership — which she said is a misconception.

“It’s not just about sex, it’s about relationships,” Morgan said. “For me, it’s being open to having more than one relationship at time, and being open and accepting.”

Morgan also said that polyamory comes with a stereotype of simplicity, when in reality, people in polyamorous relationships put a lot of effort into making sure their partners are happy and secure.

“People think poly people don’t get jealous.  We work a lot harder on working on jealousy, thinking about our needs, what makes us happy, upset [and] insecure,” Morgan said. “There are more hurt feelings to be had, but there are also a lot of great things.”

Matt Vitullo and Elliot Konstant, who have been primary partners in a polyamorous relationship for about a year, said that good communication is essential to curb the jealousy that sometimes crops up.

Vitullo, a senior theater major specializing in performance, and Konstant, a junior theater major, are in a steady and committed relationship with each other. But each are free to pursue additional relationships or hookups, as long as all parties consent, although currently neither of them have additional partners.

Vitullo first learned about alternative relationships from a girlfriend in high school who suggested an open relationship, though the idea didn’t appeal to him initially. Now, however, Vitullo sees polyamory as the best fit for himself and his partners.

“I don’t like the idea that I’m only allowed to be interested in one person, especially if I see other people that I think are cute,” Vitullo said. “I get crushes on people left and right, and so I wouldn’t want to make a partner uncomfortable in a purely monogamous situation.”

Because he is gay, Vitullo said he sometimes gets jealous when Konstant, who is bisexual, shows interest in women. This comes up particularly when Konstant shows interest in women Vitullo doesn’t know.

The jealousy, however, is resolved when the couple talks through their emotions and reassures each other of their feelings.

“You have to lay all of your cards on the table at once,” Vitullo said.

Developing feelings for someone can happen almost immediately, and Vitullo explained that he is open and honest about his intentions and the fact that he has a boyfriend when talking with someone he likes.  

“There’s a level in which you have to be very careful with your words,” Konstant said. “You can’t hide anything from anyone, and you have to be very truthful and tactful when talking to your partner.”

According to Konstant, spending time with Vitullo feels like a long-term relationship with a deeper connection — whereas spending time with other partners or potential partners feels more like being single, including flirtation and the suspense of not knowing where things might lead.

Like Vitullo, Konstant is also relatively new to polyamorous relationships. He’s found that the lifestyle is a balance of generosity and independence.

“It’s like a candle. If you have your own candle, you can give someone else light without diminishing your own,” Konstant said. “You can pass on and increase happiness for everybody without reducing yours.”